10 reasons why going to a Nairobi nightclub is a waste of time

You're better off staying at home

Partying in Nairobi nightclubs is a waste of time, energy and money.

Yeah, I said it. Someone had to say it anyway. I don't know about you but I think we really aren't getting value for our money when we go out in Nairobi. You never really know how shit Nairobi nightlife is, till you get a chance to see how people party in other countries. Personally, I'm tired of the same old nights out and I'd rather much stay at home and enjoy a nice glass of wine as opposed to going out partying and here's why:

I mean, a glass of wine at 700 Ksh? C'mon. And, mind you, it's a Formentera or Gato Negro, nothing special like an aged French wine or something. If you do the math, a bottle of Gato Negro in the supermarket is around 900Ksh. So what's the point of going to buy an overpriced drink in a glass that smells of eggs cause it hasn't even been rinsed well? please!

Have you been to Brew Bistro on a Saturday? Or Mercury on Fridays? Not only do you have to rub shoulders with sweaty humans but you can't even dance in peace cause? What is dancing space?

We are all there at the counter holding our monies and hoping the waiter will come to us next. The guys even send the girls for the drinks with the hopes that the waiter will serve the lady first after all, looks sell no?

Look, I do not mind Nigerian music. But, Kenyan DJs please, there are many music genres you can play besides Nigerian music. Kenyans love Naija music and that's what they want to listen to, I get it, I get it. But that doesn't mean you feed us with Naija music all night for f*cks sake. You literally feel like you're in mini Lagos while partying in Nairobi. Give us a bit of hip hop, new jack, old school songs, dance music etc, a little bit of everything.

Do these DJs even update their playlists? You'll literally hear the same songs over and over literally every weekend. And they have no shame playing songs that were hits back when bread was 30 Ksh.

In a majority of the mainstream clubs, unless you go fairly early, you will not find seating space and if you do, at one point of the night, you may be removed from your seat so that some Nigerians drinking Moet can have those seats. I mean, the club is making more money from the Nigerians drinking Moet than your two Tusker Malts right? And, if you even try to argue, you may be kicked out by huge ass bouncers like dirt.

Oh the phone thieves in Nairobi night clubs. Do I really need to elaborate on this?

While this doesn't happen in all clubs, you still have to be jubilant and watch your drinks lest someone drugs you and you end up waking up in Oyole.

How come clubs cannot ensure that there are enough toilets? You will be standing there wiggling, pressed AF for about 5 minutes as you wait on our turn to pee...surely.

While we go out to party and have a good time, we also want to possibly maybe end up meeting some yummy good looking men and women. However, in Nairobi, I think all the handsome men are sleeping or not partying in the same places we are partying because all you get is an average looking Olewekechwu, that Naija living somewhere in Ronga with 12 other roommates but over the weekends, he's at the club making it rain and buying rounds of champagne and Hennessy with scam money. Honestly, you're better off sleeping, saving your money and as a plus, you will wake up with dignity and no hungover.


Eyewitness? Submit your stories now via social or:

Email: news@pulselive.co.ke