This is Deep and very painful
A story a day is a segment on Hot 96 morning show (The Hot Breakfast) hosted by Jeff Koinange and Jalang’o where listeners are given an opportunity to share their life experiences, struggles and success with the aim of inspiring other People.
In an emotional narration, the Swahili News Anchor revealed how she got pregnant after clearing her O Levels and ended up losing the child.
Kanze narrates her story with lots of pain giving a clear picture of how things went down until her first born daughter died while she was only three month old.
According to Kanze she got pregnant at a time she was working at a Fast Food Cafe in Nairobi.
“I got Pregnant while working at a fast food Café in town called Vesbar. After getting pregnant I was forced to back home and take care of my pregnancy. While at Home I got an opportunity to join College to do short IT course at Mosongari. All this time I was carrying my pregnancy in privacy, only one of my very close friends knew I was pregnant because I had gone with her for Crisis pregnancy at Pumwani. My Mother wanted me to be a journalist but I wanted to be like my Aunt who was a nurse.”
“Out of fear and the need to prove to my parents that I was the innocent good girl, I wanted to give out my baby for adoption, I knew my mother will kill me if she finds out I was pregnant. So I tricked them to allow me stay in Hostels so that I can play safe, because I Knew if I stay at home people will know I am pregnant."
On the day of giving birth, she was at her Grandmothers place, when she started experiencing labour pain.
“Being my first time pregnancy, I did not know what to do, so I lied to my grandmother that I have to go back to the hostels and do some laundry. Reaching at the hostel, I talked to my friend and we took a Taxi to Pumwani. At Pumwani I received by the nurse who was in charge if Crisis Pregnancy. I labored for a few hours, before I could deliver, the nurse who was handling me, was called for an emergency, she handed over to her male colleague, who didn’t know that I wanted to give my child out on adoption. You know when you are giving out your child for adoption, you are not supposed to hear her cry or even hold her to avoid bonding. So the nurse help me deliver and gives me the child. At that time my instincts started questioning if it was wise for me to give away my child."
The news anchor narrates that without her Knowledge, her friend knew that her Aunt used to work somewhere near the Pumwani Hospital. The Friend went to report to the Aunt, that Kanze was experiencing stomach Pains and had been admitted at Pumwani.
The Aunt called her mother who luckily was traveling to Nairobi. They met and decided to go and visit her at Pumwani hospital. She had no clothes for her child because she knew that she will give her away for adoption, but her plan had failed after the nurse who was supposed to help her was called for another emergency.
“So, I asked my bed mate to look after my baby as I go to take a shower, upon coming out of the shower I saw my mother right beside my daughter. I was shocked until I could not even talk. She had cried her eyes out. Then she called by my home name “Beatrice” Kwani mimi ni mama mbaya aje mpaka huwezi niambia uko na mimba. She picked my daughter and i was discharged coz that was my last day in hospital. I was in a dilemma, as I never knew where I was going to take the baby, because in my mind I knew she will be adopted, but the plan had backfired.
After stepping out of the Hospital, the Van that was supposed to take her new born for Adoption, checked in. she was forced to ignore it because her mother had arrived at save the situation.
“We went home and after a few months I was allowed to go back to college and sit for my final exams. After the exams I went to stay with my Aunt, while doing some hustle here and there.”
Three months down the line, Kanze says she was now ready to see her daughter now. She bought lots of baby staff with hopes of giving her daughter a good life and upbringing.
“One Morning my Aunt just told me that I should go home. I did know what was going on, I book I car with one of Aunts and head home, we arrive at home I find so many people at our compound. I was shocked to see so many people, I thought something bad had happened to my Mum. Then I saw my mum all broken and crying , I rushed to the house and saw my late daughter Natasha lying lifeless on bed with a smile. She died with a smile. She had died the night before. The incident broke me so much, it made me feel like God was punishing me, remembering that I did not want the child at the first place."
“My mother told me that Natasha Passed away at night while sleeping. She says she realized that that night the baby had "shit" on herself something that was never her norm.” after changing her diapers, she realized that Natasha was not reacting as always. She lifted her up and that’s when she realized she was very still, then she just smiled and passed on”
After the Painful experience, Kanze had to deal with family stigma, as giving birth before marriage was a big deal.
“I went into some kind of depression, I felt unworthy for almost a year, I was battling self-esteem seeing like God did want me to continue being Natasha’s mother. I was very hurt by the incidents, after that I came back to Nairobi and I was able to get admission to study Mass Commination."
Kanze states that joining College gave her the opportunity to go back to Church where she jump started her life again.
Currently the News anchor is a single mother, who co-parents with the Baby Daddy of her son who is now 6 years.