Watching the video, and assimilating every single lyric in it, I found myself thinking, 'Wait... What if I was gay?' Like actually gay. You know, the type that swaggers as he walks, smiles like Ru Paul, dresses in brassy attires like Elton John, talks like a teenage girl and finds other men's butts attractive.... You know, that kind of gay.
Ten Kenyan Male Celebs I would DEFINITELY date. Even Sleep With. If I Was Gay...
We all watched the music video that was released earlier this year. And, according to KFCB, we were all proselytized by the song and the powerful Homosexuality narrative in it. And now the World is coming to an end. Not unless Google, the global tech giant, pulls the video down before it has absolutely corrupted the remaining shreds of morality Kenyans can still claim they have. It didn't happen...Too bad, Mister Morality.
What if I was actually that gay? And was open and out of the closet and all? What kind of men would I find attractive? What sort of men would I sleep with? Who would I date? What sort of men would I prefer? You know... Those disturbing elements of romantic selection.
I scanned through the rich repertoire of Kenyan male celebs and picked out several men who I would certainly groove with, certainly kiss, certainly cuddle, certainly canoodle with, certainly go out with, goddammit, certainly sleep with.
And for the Love of God ,this is a little uncomfortable article. You might need to log off and go back to being miserable. Or reading on. The choice, moral beings, remains yours.
TEN MALE CELEBS I WOULD DEFINITELY DATE. Even Sleep With. If I Was Actually Gay.
1. Jimmy Gait We all already think he's gay. Haha. Wouldn't be so much of a hassle trying to get him to engage in a homo conversation. Would probably text him up with cheesy stuff like, 'Yo Jimmy... You're kinda pretty. Lol. Mind hanging out? *nice shirts u wear * emoji. He probably would reply. Or maybe not. I would pick Jimmy because he seems to be already in touch with his feminine self. Seems like the sort of dude who can keep his house tidy. Looks like he smells nice. Isn't violent. And loves pizza and Coca Cola at some swanky mall. Also, he's sort of skinny. And looks like he loves some clean underwear. Everyday. Definitely my type.
Bahati Photo/ Facebook
2. Bahati He's, eeem, sort of cute to me. Cute little locks, dashing smile, bright eyes, a little snazzy, photogenic, loves selfies like all gay men and kids, cries a lot, ever dapper, a little vulnerable. All qualities of a perfect gay partner. Wouldn't be too much work introducing him as my Beau at the family barbecue. Or some gay house party or something. He does look like he smells nice too. And I sure would love that freshness around me. Allover me. Plus he's rich. Ulalaaa...
3. Chimano (Sauti Sol) There's enough urban rumor about his sexuality. And that of some of the other members of his super-successful band. That would be the first motivation. He does act like one anyway... And doesn't seem to be fazed by the rumors. Would sure love to grab that chiseled body, wrap all that glorious bod around me and just lie on his chest. Would love to stroke his chest every night, all major. And surely, his voice in the morning would surely give me all-day goosebumps. Plus he'd sing for me, croon and serenade me. As I nakedly fix him some scrambled eggs. Unconditionally Bae.
Mr. Number One Hypeman, DNG Photo/ Facebook
4. DNG I don't know one male with a hotter smile. Or, let's face it, a more gorgeous face. DNG is all your childhood dreams come true. He's like the taste of wine in a silent, breezy restaurant in Paris. He's a cherubim, like flowers in spring, like the touch of the sun rays in the winter, ike the sight of a bride, like the beautiful waves of the ocean, like the glorious tail of the Peacock, like the voice of a nightingale. I would sooo date DNG. And now that he's currently done with the divorce, there would not be a better time to jump to bed with him. And eat him raw. Heck, I would marry this sexy thing!
5. Nick Mutuma Everyone has dreamt of him. Men and women alike. We all want a piece of Nick. Sweet oh sweet nick. Finer than a glass of chilled champagne. I'd probably elope with him. And we'd start a little secret life in Australia, surrounded by nothing but love and flowers and the Sun and lively neighbors. I'd eat him all the days of my life. Like a Buccellato cake at a Victorian wedding. Taste his enduring sweetness every morning, like a glass of Muscato wine by the rivers of Lebanon. On good days, I'd have him and his fine as f**k girl Zahara combo. Munch munch.
Sweet as wine, Nick Mutuma Photo/MNET
6. Kagwe Mungai Those baby locks. Fake or not. I wouldn't care. That height. That impeccable sense of fashion. That voice. The smile... Like the sight of clear clouds on an Italian cruise. I would wrap myself around him, lick him up like the drops of a rare Irish cream, run my fingers down that torso, twirl myself around him and get lost in a world of nothing but unhinged pleasure with my naughty Knight in amorous armor.
7. Peter Nyong'o Dangerously handsome. Fierce. Bold. Smart. Chic. Elegant. Well-bred. Exposed. Gorgeous. Gracious. And a brother to one of the most beautiful black women in Hollywood. I would love me some Peter Nyong'o. Would want him all. With those suits, that kicky hairstyle, those hands. That face. There would be no turning back. Not from this one. Drop 'em boxers already, honey...
Yummy yummy...Trevor Gitonga Photo/ Courtesy
8. Trevor Gitonga He's the skinny actor and adorably cute star of the moviein which he starred as the main actor. He's got the perfect gay body, a smile that can sure kill, he's suave, dangerously talented, can actually sing and looks like he can put down on hell of a kiss marathon. This one would be mine. For a very long time. But I'm not sure he's old enough to be eaten. Raw.
9. Ephy SaintThe minute he removes THAT shirt, you shall not argue with me. With eyes that beautiful, a face chiseled out so well, such a fine chest and arms that can take you to heaven and back, sure, I would love me some Ephy Saint. In all of his glory. And then I'd turn him from Saint to sinner in a matter of minutes. A million minutes of nothing but pleasure and smooches and endless lovemaking.
Ephy Mathaphuckin Saint
10. Daniel Peters He's the youngest brother to the other dashing brother Brian Weke. And coming from a family this hot, he certainly would be very my type. If only he would... Gentlemanly, gentle, sweet as sucrose, talented, nice body,looks of a god. Quite the catch this one. Plus he looks like the type that can cook and clean. The type that can do the laundry. And bring the grocery home. Talking of grocery,I can tell you one booty that I would sure eat like groceries. Yes, his butt. Bring him on! Grrrrr grrrrr.
Oh Wow! Daniel Peters Photo/ Mashada
Oh wait, I'm not gay! Damn! OK, Time to hunt for some titties and fine booties. And of course, a tight young pu**y!
JOIN OUR PULSE COMMUNITY!
Eyewitness? Submit your stories now via social or: