Kenya has an outstanding visiting culture. People love to travel to see one another especially relatives.
But sometimes these well-meaning companions just don't know when to say goodbye. And what's worse is sometimes they don't even give you fair warning that they're coming- you know, so that you can be "unavailable" when they arrive.
In any case, when that pesky guest plants their butt on the couch to the point of molding to the fabric, it's time for them to leave.
Telling them directly may not even work because these people pretend not to know what you're talking about or they guilt trip you into letting them stay one more night.
Here are some effective ways to get rid of them- especially before they get comfortable.
1. Serve them green tea
Nobody likes green tea. People who say they like it are liars. It tastes like paracetamol that got left in black tea for too long. And sugar or honey doesn't help. You can't eat bread with it because bread doesn't deserve that kind of torture. Nobody asks for more green tea. And if you keep serving it, your unwanted guest will starve themselves out your door.
2. Make them do their own laundry
Guests sometimes expect to be treated like the king of the household. Remind them that they aren't. Remove their sheets and soak them and tell them that in your house you have a two day policy in sheets. Prevent access to any fresh sheets and make it impossible for them to withstand a bare mattress by hiding the duvets and blankets.
3. Deny them the WiFi password and access to any other amenities
If they ask for the WiFi password, tell them that the network has reached its limit for devices. Lock the liquor cabinet. Hell, even the guest bathroom. Make sure they have no access to anything to make their lives easier. You can even make sure they have no access to electricity during the day.
4. Ignore them
Act like they don't exist. Whenever they try to start a conversation act like you didn't hear anything and then start a new conversation- with the wall if you have to.
5. Withstand the guilt
Whenever these guests sense that they are unwelcome and unwanted, they start dropping hints about how harsh their lives are back home or wherever it is they are escaping from that made them think they have the right to make your life miserable. Don't give in to the guilt tripping. They know they are wrong. Act like what they're saying doesn't bother you. You can repent after they leave if it does.
6. Use their special needs diets against them
If they only take black tea, make milk tea only and hide the tea kettle or shut the water mains. If they don't like royco in their food, buy the beef cubes and the extra large jar and make sure they see you cooking with it.
7. Get nasty
Serve a drink that requires ice cubes. Put the ice cube tray on the table for them to pick for themselves. Encourage them to take add as many ice cubes as possible. As this is happening, boil some hot dogs. When the ice cubes in the tray are almost over, add the hot dog water to the ice cube tray then put it back in the frigde.
8. Move out
If all else fails, sneak out in the middle of the night. Waachie nyumba.