5 types of people you will always meet in church

Do you remember those kids back in school who used to faint just to attract people’s attention or announce that a parent now worked abroad? Unfortunately, a bunch of them are in church.

These are the people who wear high heels just to make a grand entrance. They clap and dance vigorously to attract the cameraman’s attention or anyone willing to look at them.

When giving offerings they have to walk slowly, to give you enough time to admire them.

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When the pastor says ‘Bwana Asifiwe’ instead of waving like normal people, they’ll make sure they stand up as if the pastor asked them to. And if it’s a lady she’ll have to sway her hips a bit because why not utilize the opportunity?

2. The holy Joe

Their dress code tells you they are never going to entertain the devil or exes in their life. They can recite almost every scripture without looking at the Bible. They speak in tongues and walk with their heads bowed down.

They judge people the most, especially if you have dreadlocks, a tattoo or if you simply look like a sinner. They’ll keep giving you the ‘You need to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior’ look. They never miss bible studies, keshas, or any church-related event. You can never keep up with these ones.

3. The sleeper

I’m convinced that when God created the world, he said, “Let every church have a sleeper,” because wherever you go, you’ll always find a bunch of people sleeping in church.

And I usually wonder, kwani how sweet is this sleep? Because some will snore, drool, or even fall from their chairs. You can be excused for dozing off, but falling asleep in church?

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Why don’t you just stay at home and sleep? It’s not like the angels throw you in a pit with lions.

4. The one with a never ending testimony

There’s always that person who can go on and on about their testimony until the sun sets. They will put like ten characters in the story, one a sickly relative who was admitted to the ICU but got better after the third day. An ex-girlfriend who left when they were broke…They will give unnecessary information and even have the audacity to go back to 1997 and tell a story about their school life. It’s usually like a low-budget movie without a storyline.

As much as we are grateful for what the Lord has done in your life, can you end this so we can go back home and eat? We are starving.

The situation is salvaged when a security person escorts them from the pulpit.

5. The out-of-tune singer

It’s like every choir is cursed with one person who’s always out of tune. They are so high-pitched that you can distinctively pick them out from the rest of the crowd. If you are not careful, they can make your ears bleed. It’s as if they got into the choir by mistake.

You’d think they don’t know that they are usually out of tune, but they do. Lakini ile kiburi wakonayo, you can’t tell them anything. In fact, you’ll think it’s not them. These are also the same people who move wrongly. When people are going right, they are going left and vice versa. They always seem confused.