Of course, only behave dominantly if its something that interests you, too. You shouldnt do it just to please your partner. If you feel extremely uncomfortable commanding your partner sexually or using dirty talk, then maybe it's time to explore a sexual kink that appeals to you both .
But if you do want to become more dominant in bed, and you simply have no idea where to begin, then, my friend, youve come to the right place. Here, Cory B , a sex educator and kink coach, and Katarina "theDommeKat" Pierce , a fetish wrestler and pro domme, explain how to become more dominant in the bedroom. Buckle up, boys, and learn from the pros.
How to not cross any boundaries
First, we need to address how to be dominant consensually. Before you get naked together, talk to your partner about which things are on the table and which things are not. You can do this right before having sex, or you can talk about boundaries well before, when youre not about to get down and dirty. That way, when you're all horned up, you can just get right to it. Talking about it before also gives you and your partner(s) the chance to imagine what it would look like and how you might navigate play, says Katarina.
Even if you've already discussed what you want to do, you still have to get affirmative consent from your partner when you're actually getting downand there are ways to do it dominantly. Saying something like Heres what I intend to do to you and telling your partner all of the things you plan to do can be really hot, says Cory. After youve told them what you want to do, go ahead and say, Nod your head if youre ok with that.
Make minor changes in behavior
You dont need to go full Batman voice in order to become more dominant. If you go from zero to 60, your partner will be like, What the heck is going on? Instead, there are little tweaks you can make in bed that will make you appear and feel much more dominant. Start with these:
Maintain eye contact
"Nothing says, I am going to fucking devour you,' like steady eye contact before a kiss, says Katarina. Eye contact lets them know you're in control. Cory adds that you can also tell your partner to not look at you. That's also a way to exert your dominance.
Hair pulling, if done right, can be sexy, controlling, and not painful at all, explains Katarina. What youll want to do is run your fingers through your partner's hair so the palm of your hand is against their scalp. From there, make a first. You'll gather up their hair rather than pull it from the tip, which pulls painfully at the roots, she says. It's dominant, primal, and it says, I have you. I am so caught up in you. I need piles of you.
Throw out words like Daddy, Sir, and Master, to denote whos in control, suggests Cory B. Use whatever word that makes you feel the most powerful, she says.
Don't be afraid of dirty talk! Before you hit the bedroom, youll want to ask your partner which words they like and which words are off limits. (Some people, for example, hate being called bitch but love being called slutor vice-a-versa.) If you need some inspiration, watch some porn and borrow a few lines, suggests Katarina. Trust me, no one has a copyright on Fuck me harder, baby" or Shit, your pussy feels great." (Need more explicit dirty talk advice? Head here! )
Give positive affirmations
Let them know how theyre doing in a sexy and affirming way. Saying What a good girl or 'Im very impressed with your slutty mouth' keeps the mood going while also communicating to your partner that theyre doing a good job, says Cory.
Use your bodyweight
You can tie up your partner if they're down for that, but you don't necessarily need to take it that far to assert your dominance. You can push your partner up against a wall when you kiss them or wrap your arms around them while youre on top of them, letting them feel your weight. Theres almost a bondage-y element when you do this, says Katarina.
Dont ask, just tell
We don't mean this in the context of consentyou should always ask for that. But lets say your partner is grinding on you quicker than youd like. Instead of saying, Could you go slower? just look them in the eyes and say, Slower. Be sure to give a moan or something after that lets them know that the instruction was not a criticism but a command, and they totally nailed it, Katarina says.
Dont forget aftercare
Sexual aftercare is an essential part of any play that involves power exchange. Its provided to a person after a sexual experience to help them process, come down from, and recover from that experience. This can be done by simply holding them, asking them how theyre feeling, getting them water to hydrate, and so on. If you are lucky enough for someone to submit their power to you, you have a responsibility to take care of that person after you have given their power back, says Cory. Ask them what they need afterwards, and make sure to check in on them the next day as well.