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Dear Sexplain it,

I am a 43-year-old heterosexual Black man whos never been married and has no children. I also have a smaller than average penis, though its not a micropenis. It's around 5 inches long and on the thinner side.

My penis size has caused very real problems in every relationship I've had. Many times my partner couldn't even tell if I've penetrated them or not. The therapist of one woman I dated encouraged her to tell me that my penis size (and sex) was an issue. So its really hurt my quality of life.

Not too long ago, I have had a couple of experiences with women who were tighter/smaller, and sex felt great for the first time in years. So my question is: Should I be patient and find a woman that I can connect with in all the ways I would like or give up on the sexual satisfaction component of a relationship?

Looking For The Right Fit

Dear Looking For The Right Fit,

I have news: Your penis isn't as small as you think it is.

The average erect penis is 5.2 inches long , and 90% of guys fall within the range of 4-6.3 inches. I also want you to know there are plenty of women who will be able to feel you inside them: in BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology found the average depth of the vagina is about 3.77 inches. Though it does expand when aroused, your 5-inch peen's presence will certainly be known! When I shared your question with sex and relationship expert Shamyra Howard , LCSW, she suggested you may be feeling insecure about your totally-average penis due to the "stereotype that Black men have the biggest in the world." The idea is perpetuated in pop culture and pornbut it's not even true, so get it out of your head. "When we're talking about penis size, there's no research that actually indicates that Black people have larger penises," Howard says.

Now, to answer your question: Please do NOT give up on the sexual satisfaction component of a relationship! You can and should find a woman you connect with emotionally and physically. (Also, you said you recently had some satisfying sexual experiences, so thats proof theres hope for you!)

Let's talk about how to maximize your chances of success in the bedroom. The first step is beating the insecurity you have around your penis size. Whatever the root cause, your shame is probably affecting the way you approach sex.

Youve had these issues regarding your penis size and performance before, so you think its going to happen again, Howard says. Youre likely creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's time to break that cycle. It's time to embrace the art of Big Dick Energy. Theres a reason its called Big Dick Energy (BDE) and not Actual Big Dick (ABD). Even if you don't have the word's biggest peen, people are attracted to a man who acts like he does. No matter how well you're endowed, women will be draw to your confidenceyour swagger. As long as you don't go overboard and enter into over-compensating jerk territory. Channel your inner BDE tastefully: Develop a workout routine that makes you feel powerful and energized; wear clothes that make you feel sexy; be proud of your quirks and unique hobbies; smile and make eye contact when you talk to people.

\"Not to mention that there are women who dont like an 8-inch penis.\"

Cultivating BDE isn't a panacea. There are certainly size queens who wont want to date you or fuck you because of your average-sized dick, and youre never going to satisfy them. But the vast majority of women wont scoff at an average penis if youre confident in yourself and know how to use what you've got.

Not to mention that there are women who dont like an 8-inch penis, Howard adds. For some women, bigger penises just hurt. They'd rather have sex with a 5-inch dick.

Enter you.

Next, let's talk about how you're having sex. Judging by the way you phrased your question, it sounds like you're putting a lot of focus on penetration. Not only will this force you to dwell on the size of your junk, but it's also a very limited view of what sex is.

Sex is more about the physical, mental, emotional, and erotic connection shared between the people involved, and this is often done without penetration, Howard says.

So let's shift your focus away from penetration. Besides, most women can't orgasm from penetration alone . They also need direct clitoral stimulationwhich is why you should learn how to get freaking great at fingering and oral sex .

And take your time. So many guys do this 50-seconds-of-fingering-before-sticking-your-dick-in business. If that happens to be you, I want you to cut it out.

Foreplay is a misnomer, because it implies that whats to come is the play. Foreplay, when done right, is the play. So make out. Play with her breasts. Tease her. Finger her. Use your tongue. Get creative with the help of these other foreplay tips . Penetration can be nothing more than a "finishing move," so to speak. Whenever I have a long foreplay session, my partners and I always end up orgasming very quickly when we finally start penetration. We're both just so freakin' turned on. And no one's thinking about penis size.

I also want you to start bringing sex toys into the bedroom. I dont care how big your dick is: It still can't vibrate. It still cant suction a clitoris while achieving maximum depth and G-spot penetration. Your dick isn't a magic wand, but do you know what is? The actual Magic Wand.

Last but not least, I spoke to some sex researchers earlier this week and published a piece about the best sex positions for men with small penises . Again, I think your penis is average, but you did mention there have been times when women didn't feel you penetrating them. So, you may find this list helpful. Try out these positions and see which ones you have the most success withthen stick to it.

But above all else, remember: Its all about that BDE not the ABD.