A brief look at relationship drama and how to end it

A Google search of the roles people play in relationships of all kinds reveals that there are over 20 roles including the parent and child roles which show up in adulthood. There are underlying factors like personality type and level of maturity (integrating all roles) which influence who people are in situations.

Three roles stick out though, for the case of this discussion anyway: the rescuer, the persecutor and the victim.

Developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the "Drama Triangle" describes the ways people experience unhelpful behaviour patterns as their roles interact. The roles are not limited to relationships, they have their roots in personality and behaviour patterns in family settings while growing up. For this reason, they affect whoever an individual interacts with but are more felt in closer relationships.

Developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the "Drama Triangle" Pulse

Understanding the roles

Rescuer

The rescuer puts other people first to feel valuable, respected and irreplaceable. They are often children from families where their needs were put on the back bench so they quickly learnt that to feel loved they had to look after others' needs. They were the good and responsible child who avoid conflict or confrontation.

Persecutor

The persecutor is the critic. They make others feel unworthy or unsure about themselves and are quick to place blame. They are a victim underneath, but unlike the victim, they put others down to escape their own sense of low self-worth and to feel powerful as a result. They often experience feelings of powerlessness from family dynamics where their needs weren't met.

Victim

The victim is usually overwhelmed with helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness, or shame. They received the message from family that were unable to handle their problems thus they grew up expecting others to help them make things okay. They are riddled with anxiety about things.

The vicious cycle

The victim role is possibly the worst role to be cast in, although the roles are not set in stone. Each person plays one of the three at given times as the relation flows. So in a way, there's not one mentality, it is "victim mentality" "rescuer mentality" and the "persecutor mentality" (that society is famous for). All three mentalities are 'negative' and survival mechanisms that feed off one another to maintain a vicious cycle.

How the cycle starts and plays out Pulse

How the cycle starts and plays out

The Rescuer role can be seen as the "nice guy" control. The person hooks into the victim who is always feeling overwhelmed. The psychological deal is simple, the rescuer says "I will help you out, as long as you do as I say, everything will be okay". They agree to be the strong, good, big and nice party while the victim agrees to be overwhelmed and incapable of managing their life.

This creates a conducive atmosphere where the rescuer feels important and in control while the victim has someone to care for them.

Conflict and role shuffling

Everything is good and well except that once in a while, this happens:

The rescuer gets tired of doing everything, like they are taking all the responsibilities without help, reciprocity nor appreciation for what they are doing. The rescuer gets tired, becomes angry and harbours resentment.

He/she shifts to the Persecutor role. Blows up over something minor like the dishes, or starts to act out, like going out to drink or has an affair. He/she feels like they deserve it for having "put up with" everything. Their frustration and anger says "Why don’t you grow up! Why don’t you take some responsibility! Why do I have to do everything around here! Why don’t you appreciate what I am doing for you! This is unfair! The feeling of unfairness is strong," says Patricia Thompson, Psychiatrist at Thompson Therapy.

At this point, the victim becomes scared and shifts into the Rescuer role. He/she tries to calm the situation and the message is "I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I really do appreciate what you do. I’ll do better,” says Thompson.

At this point, the persecutor feels bad about what he/she did and shifts to the victim role and gets depressed or ashamed. The two stabilise and return to their original positions.

The flip side

On the other side, sometimes the victim gets tired of being the victim. He/she grows tired of being in the shadows as the other person runs the show, always taking orders. The victim gets fed up of the Rescuer being the "If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t make it.” So they move to the Persecutor role. Like the rescuer in the persecutor role, they blow up over a minor issue or act out.

"The message underneath that doesn’t get said is: Why don’t you get off my back! Leave me alone, stop controlling my life! Back off, I can do things myself!" says Thompson.

At this point, the Rescurer listens and shifts to the victim position, “Poor me, every time I try to help, look what I get," she adds.

The Persecutor then feels bad and shifts to the Rescurer position and says something like, “I was stressed out, off my meds, tired from the kids. I’m sorry,” she says.

The two then make up and return to their original positions.

And then they make up and go back to where they originally were.

However, as each person moves among the roles, one will fit more comfortably in a particular role than another depending on personality, ubringing and coping ways.

Breaking the cycle

With help from a therapist to help one learn new skills, assert themselves and learn to get out, getting off the 'drama triangle' is possible.

Other things that can help break the cycle

Acknowledging, embracing and letting go of underlying needs that the triangle fills for you.
Adjusting and changing your role in the dynamic
Compassion to forgive oneself and accept that other people's behaviour is/was not your fault.
Taking control through accountability for thoughts, feelings and behaviours that maintain and sustain the drama triangle roles.

Exploring the drama triangle individually can offer some insights that can translate into action to help you get started on the journey to enjoy satisfying and rewarding relationships.

Check it out here!