If 'Relationship goals' are hurting your relationship, here's what to do

Relationship timelines have strangely remained rigid, dating-marriage-children-grandchildren...against a changing dating culture. Whether this is the fault of romantic comedies or society, what are you and your spouse losing out at the mercy (compulsion) of this narrative?

According to Sarah Brock Chávez, a licensed clinical social worker, relationship timelines have to be brought under individual assessment in order to continue being valuable.

“Just as our limits and expectations for our achievements have evolved, so should our measure against an antiquated relationship timeline that doesn't reflect all of the varieties of modern relationships,” she said in an interview.

How this timeline can hurt a relationship

Wrestling with external pressure in the form of family and friends expectations brings about frustration and stress. Between battling these pressures and putting your desires first, it creates an inner struggle of inadequacy to meet yours and 'their' needs.

“The pressure to follow a timeline within a modern relationship creates unrealistic expectations as well as an internalised sense of ‘not being enough’ in some areas of one's life. These measures have the potential to amplify self-criticism where instead self-compassion and pride should exist,” said Chávez.

In addition, creating a strong bond and the satisfaction of the couple is put on the back burner to chase milestones which they are expected to achieve in order to feel fulfilled.

Where does this couples' timeline come from anyway?

The traditional relationship timeline is not well adjusted to meet individual needs beyond a harmonious society and reproduction. However, the new generations are outgrowing this timeline and find that many couples activities are delayed for new pressures and experiences.

"Folks have needs beyond procreation that take priority, delaying the timeline for many different types of couples. More and more Millennials and Gen Zers in partnerships are choosing not to have children, going against the grain of society’s pressure to walk the traditional path," said Chávez.

How to handle the pressure

Communication is key against external, and internal pressure. Build your bond by focusing on talking about your shared goals, needs, wants and each others' relationship requirements.

“The important first step is to get on the same page about each others' relationship values, needs, and wants. Explore how you measure satisfaction in a relationship and plan ahead of time to agree to regular check-ins on how the relationship is going,” she said.

It is also important to acknowledge this pressure instead of ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist. In fact, a couple can find that their values don't completely contradict the timeline. However, allow yourselves to be flexible.

Should you follow the relationship timeline?

Relationships milestones are normal and getting caught up in achieving them is also part of enjoying the relationship.

However, if first dates, first times, showers, and the like cause tension in the relationship, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Internal pressure to actualise relationship goals will create pressure for your partner and tear you apart in the process. Rather focus on growing alongside your needs, changes, wants.

“I don't believe there is a standard timeline that relationships should or do follow. Each individual within each relationship has different needs and goals as well as a different relationship history. As such, each relationship necessarily follows a different arc in moving toward its agreed upon goals,” she said.

Although timelines offer a sense of direction and achievement, they do not predict the relationship's vitality, fulfillment or happiness.