11 commandments of a one-night stand

Let's be sure and clear

The other day, I was catching up with my boys over a few pints and we started talking about one-night stands. I was surprised to learn that most people will go home with a random stranger without making their intentions clear. According to my boys, apparently, one-night stands in this city end up with the lady demanding to be paid. Lol isn’t that low-key hoeing? If you’re gonna ask for money after, shouldn’t you make it clear prior to? In fact, apparently, some of these ladies get so feisty when the dude declares that he’s not one to pay for sex, so much so that one nearly burned an apartment down after she was left stranded the morning after.

In light of this, I think there’s need to talk about the dos and don’ts of one-night stands. If we wanna get dickmatized for one night, let’s do it the mature way guys, what are we? 16?

One-night stands can turn out to be mind blowing 5-star porn experiences or end up being nightmarish, awkward or just terrible, depending on a plethora of factors.

So, let’s break down the rules of having a one-night stand.

1. Make your intentions clear.

Whether you meet at the bar or elsewhere, it’s important to make it known that you just want sex and nothing else. Don’t just buy shots of tequila and wait for the chances of having a one-night stand to skyrocket to a solid 98%. Drunk sex with a stranger is not particularly an experience any lady would appreciate which drives me to the next point,

2. Understand consent.

Forced sex is rape. If you take home a drunk lady who is barely conscious, and have sex with her, you’re a rapist. Say it out loud, "I am a RAPIST".

3. Be prepared.

If you know that there’s a high chance of having a one-night stand, maybe you’re meeting that hot guy you matched on Tinder and have psychologically prepared your mind that it’s going down, do carry condoms don't expect the other person to have. They might not have! You really don’t want to have an oops moment like an STD or an unexpected pregnancy or disease from someone whose last name you do not know. Also, mind your hygiene. Rarely will you have time to shower before getting down and dirty so make sure your nether regions are clean and all.

4. Be safe.

If you do choose to go home with a stranger, don’t get too drunk or get high on drugs and such. It’s also important to let someone you trust like a sister or close friend know your whereabouts or what you’re upto just in case something happens.

Don’t even bother asking about the full name, where they work or what they do lol you don’t plan on ever seeing them again right? Unless of course, something nasty happens to you which is quite unfortunate. That's why you have to be really careful about one-night stands.

6. When it comes to the actual coitus, make it count.

You’re already far too deep in and there’s no turning back. Get what you came for. Try those styles you’ve been meaning to try, yes, even the windmill position, get your orgasms, enjoy every bit and make it count. We could all use a good shag every now then, no?

7. For the love of God, do not ask “What are we?”

Cuddling is fine afterwards but do not expect the one-night stand to magically turn into a relationship overnight. Go with zero expectations.

8. Prepare yourself accordingly.

If you know that your date is likely to end up in bed together, dress appropriately. You really don’t wanna do a walk of shame in town in a short skirt and heels. Carry cab fare, some pocket tissues etc.

9. Have an exit strategy.

In the morning you should pack your shit and leave. You shouldn't linger around. It can get awkward. No, not even for morning sex or swapping numbers. What are you exchanging numbers for? Chances are, you might actually be given a fake number and name hehe or the person will end up ghosting on you anyway. And when leaving, if the person has roommates, try your best to have zero interaction with them.

10. Be kind and respectful.

Don’t be an ass and treat the person like trash the next day. It’s okay for you to hint that they need to leave, give your hugs and all and say goodbye to each other like adults. And who knows? You might meet again during another night of debauchery it’s a small world.

11. Don’t judge yourself.

Whether the sex was good or terrible, you made a conscious decision as an adult to go ahead with it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s really okay, one-night stands are part of life experiences. You need one terrible one to never want to do it again or one good one to know what great sex is.


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