Dr. Ruth to Millennials: 'Make Time' for Sex

NEW YORK — People didn’t talk much about sex in the 1980s — at least not openly. So when a pint-size former Israeli sniper with a thick German accent began saying things like “premature ejaculation” and enter “from behind” on local radio — and later, television — people listened (closely).

Dr. Ruth banned the word “frigid” on her show. She schooled Conan O’Brien on why “blue balls” was sexist — it’s a phrase for which there is no female equivalent — and suggested they create a companion term for women: “blue lips.”

“It never caught on,” she said this week.

Now almost 91, Dr. Ruth Westheimer is the subject of a new documentary, “Ask Dr. Ruth,” chronicling her journey from German-Jewish refugee of the Holocaust — who taught herself English by reading romance novels — to the celebrity sex therapist we know today.

And today’s Dr. Ruth is very, very busy. She’s on the board of the Museum of Jewish Heritage (her pitch to donors: “You get good sex for the rest of your life”), teaches two college courses, attends opera and concerts and is active on Twitter. She has published more than 40 books — including two new ones, a graphic novel-style autobiography called “Roller Coaster Grandma” and a children’s book called “Crocodile, You’re Beautiful!” about embracing difference. “Ask Dr. Ruth” is in theaters now and will be available on Hulu in June.

On a recent morning at her home in Washington Heights, where she has lived for 50 years, Dr. Ruth was laced up in her signature Merrell sneakers juggling two phone lines, a ringing fax machine and questions from this reporter. She does not take calls before 10 a.m.

These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

Q: What has changed in the decades you’ve been giving sex advice?

A: I get less questions about women’s sexual satisfaction. Women have learned they are responsible for their own orgasms. I also get less questions from men about premature ejaculation. Maybe more questions these days about desire, from people who say they don’t feel like having sex, and not having time. Especially the millennials say they don’t have time for sex.

Q: The millennials say that?

A: Some millennial person, a woman, said to me recently: “How can we have sex? We work so hard.” That doesn’t hold true for me. In the olden days, immigrants, for example, who worked in the needle trade, who worked in the garment industry, they worked much harder. They still had sex. Otherwise we wouldn’t be around.

Q: What did you say to her?

A: I said, “Make time.”

Q: Did you say “Get off your phone?”

A: That’s another thing! I’m very concerned these days about the art of conversation getting lost. We walk into a restaurant, and you see even families sitting on their phones. I’m not saying that there’s no use for the phone. You reach people fast if there’s an emergency. But we have to be aware of the art of conversation getting lost.

Q: How does that affect people’s sex lives?

A: You can’t have a couple not talking to each other for 24 hours then expect to have good sex. It doesn’t work. Part of a good relationship is a good conversation. “How was your day today?” “Do you have any issues?” “Did you call your mother-in-law?”

Q: Has conversation been helped or hurt by online dating?

A: There’s a term ... for when a person disappears. What is that term?

Q: Ghosting?

A: Right. I was looking for that term of ghosting. (She writes it down.) That’s terrible.

I’m not a disc jockey, so when I was on the radio I didn’t use any songs. However, one song I did use. A woman called in and said that she’s dating a man, and they love each other, for three years. But she never sees him on weekends. I said, “Is he working on weekends?” She said, “No.” I said, “Does he take care of aging parents on weekends?” She said, “No.” I said, “Is he married?” She said, “Yes.” So I made a sign to the engineer and I said, play the song, “Wash That Man Right Out of Your Hair And Send Him On His Way.” I told her to call me back in three weeks.

Q: Did she?

A: She did. And she did send him on his way.

Q: Ha!

A: People do listen to me.

Q: Do you think people are more knowledgeable about sex because of the internet?

A: No question that they do know more. But not always correct.

Q: What myths still need debunking?

A: I think that the most common myth to be debunked is the issue of size. Size does not matter. Except if it’s minuscule.

Q: Then what?

A: Then that’s a different story. I would have to talk to a urologist.

Q: What’s your view on pornography?

A: Very interesting that you ask that, because I’m going for the second time to do [an Oxford-style debate], and I’m going to debate pornography. What I don’t know yet is, do they want me to debate for or against. I can do both. For it, I would say that anything that would help a couple is perfectly all right. Just close the door so the children don’t watch it. If I would argue against, I would say, if people think that the erections depicted in pornographic movies are correct, that the orgasmic response of women is correct, then they have to take a course with Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Because it’s all exaggerated.

Q: I’m sure you read that article in The Atlantic about how Americans are having less sex.

A: I don’t believe in that. I’m not saying that they didn’t do a serious survey. But I don’t want to believe in that. Because in order to cement a relationship, in order to keep that spark alive, you do have to have sex. You have to be interested in the other person. And part of being interested in the other person is, among other things like going for a walk in the springtime with all the beautiful flowers, to have good sex.

Q: In the film, your son talks about being away at college, walking down the hall to his dorm and hearing his mother’s voice streaming from people’s rooms. What’s your advice to parents who want to talk to their kids about sex?

A: The child has to know that they can ask the questions without being embarrassed. If one parent is comfortable with the subject, then the person who’s comfortable should do it. The other should bring books home and say, “If you have a question, I’ll willing to answer.” With my children, I left books. I did not do the talk. They’d heard enough.

Q: What is your secret to longevity?

A: I’m lucky that I’m healthy and interested in what I’m doing, and interested in what other people do.

Q: Part of what makes your advice so palatable is that it’s delivered with humor.

A: In the Jewish tradition, in the Talmud, it says, “A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained.” I could not tell you a joke, but I can use humor where it’s appropriate.

Q: Your tweets are very funny.

A: I talk, and Pierre [Lehu], my minister of communication, puts it on paper. That’s the secret. I’m not computer-literate at all. I just know what the computer can do. So I call Pierre, and I say, “Yesterday I was at the party,” and I let people take a picture to send it to Pierre. I put it on the Twitter. 96,000-something [followers] — 96,700, I think. You can find it out yourself.

Q: Yeah. I can look.

A: Because you are computer-literate!

Q: Anything else you want to say?

A: I have to go. Because this little lady has a lot to do.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.