As Told To Gina Loveless

On billboards, in magazines, and in advertisements, there was a male beauty standards within gay culture that didnt come close to what Id see when I looked in the mirror: men with thick shoulders, slender hips, tight muscles, and white skin. It was an ideal I couldnt avoid.

Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I spiraled into a depression, feeling like I wasn't worthy. The flatline of my feelingshow my depression took overwas instant and last for months.

I lost my appetite and, consequentially, weight. I wasn't eating, to a point where my body began attacking itself. By the end of the year, I was close to 115 pounds.

I fought to do the most essential tasks, having to mentally psych myself up for hours just to take a shower. I found it increasingly challenging to be around my family and friends. The thought of socializing and making conversation was overwhelming. I attempted to sleep as much as possible because I wanted every day to be over.

One morning in December, I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. I was this soulless frame with receded gums.

A heavy darkness descended on me. Even though for weeks my appearanceand who I was anymorehad started slipping away from me, I realized that morning I would permanently become the stranger in the mirror if I didnt do something about it.

I emailed my doctor requesting an emergency consultation, and was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.

Through therapy, I realized I could control what my environment looked like to help cut out the inner negative monologue. With that, I knew I wanted to try alternative methods before I jumped right to medication, so I started studying what would strategically aid with depression, and one thing seemed clear: exercise.

I started with exercising for five minutes, which turned into 20 minutes, which turned into 30 minutes, which turned into 45, which turned into an hour. Deadlifts, 30-second sprints, power-squats, and chest-press became a staple in my workout routine.

It took me about a year and a half to develop the muscle mass that I have today. I began my fitness journey weighing close to 115 pounds, and I now weigh 162 pounds. I attribute my weight gain primarily to anaerobic training which let me build lean muscle mass.

Training gave me a sense of clarity, encouraged me to get out of the house, introduced me to new people, and kept me active. It also simply made me happy. Exercise showed me that even if there is some mold out there for gay culture, I'm worthy even if I will never fit in.

While I did have friends and family that supported me, I realized that I needed to not rely on the approval of others. My mental health and confidence is about self-love, self-acceptance, and resiliency.

My sense of being happy, and embracing my body and the joys of who I am are the rewards of my struggle. I believe everyone should wake up every day and remind themselves that self-care, in all forms, is the best decision you can make.

This Guy Used the Gym to Put on 47 Lbs of Muscle

In May 2013, I was living the life I finally felt was my 'truth,' as a proud gay black man, until <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/mental-health/" id="0eb1e03f-19fc-3ba1-ade3-bdc412462542"> depression </a> came on. It felt like it forced me underwater, and when Id scurry up to the surface, I could only gasp for air for a brief, exhausting moment.

This Guy Used the Gym to Put on 47 Pounds of Muscle and Find Happiness

I was born in Iran four years after a revolution that instilled a new set of values and ideologies in the country. As a result, the Iranian culture I learned from my parents was centered around "good thoughts, good words, and good deeds." Often I felt like if my feeling was not "good," I shouldnt mention it.

"Men dont show emotions." "You are a man, you cant be emotional." "Don't be high maintenance." These were some of the things my dad used to say to me. This expectation of stoicism affected how I reacted to my own feelings and struggles.

I ended up thinking feelings were just masked weaknesses. And if I expressed what I was going throughsay about a test I didnt do great onmy dad would say, "If you had prepared well, you wouldnt need to worry about anything" or " always aced my exams by myself and my parents never had time for me." So I ignored any feelings of stress or sadness I had.

\"Pouria, something is wrong. You need help. You cant function like this anymore.\"

But stuffing down my feelings usually came back as intense anger towards random things. I remember when I was 23, my mom got into a biking accident and hurt her leg. My immediate reaction was to get mad at her. I was scared that she was hurt, but I wasnt capable of expressing it.

Another example: When I was 27, working as a software engineer, one of my managers was poking fun at stereotypes, and it made me uncomfortable and upset. I forced myself to ignore it and get back to work.

That night, I didnt sleep. For the next two days, I was filled with anger, but still found a way to ignore it and distract myself with work. On the fourth day, I woke up, looked in the mirror and I told myself: Pouria, something is wrong. You need help. You cant function like this anymore.

My open-mindedness about mental health didnt begin until I lost a friend to depression about five to six years later. I was 33, and it was really difficult to cope. There was a lot of overlap between my friend and I in terms of not processing emotions or expressing them, so his departure left me questioning if I would end up like him.

Wed been friends for six years after meeting at a mutual friends house in San Jose. I remember that he looked so happy on social media, always posting pictures of his girlfriend and his pet. It was impossible to guess that he was suffering. After he died, it hit me that emotional health was a bigger topic than most of us were willing to let onthat if we talked about it, things might be different.

\"Witnessing the openness, understanding, and lack of judgment at those meetings really got to me.\"

A week after my friends death, I researched available resources that could have helped him. I found Meetup.com and a simple anxiety/depression search connected me to a few groups that were meeting once in a while in the Bay Area, where I was living.

Witnessing the openness, understanding, and lack of judgment at those meetings really got to me. I'd never seen people express themselves so authentically, nor did I open up that way myself. I felt remarkably better after just my first meet-up, and over multiple events, I saw others make huge strides in their mental wellness, too. It really helped to see others dealing with difficult emotional struggles, and not trying to look perfect.

But even though those meetings were helpful, I saw two main obstacles: They were not available the moment people needed them, and for many people there was long a commute involved.

\"Nobody knows your identity and you can talk to understanding people 24/7.\"

For the next five to six months, I continued to explore the healthcare space for emotional and mental well-being resources. I was shocked by how little was available other than therapy. Of course therapy is an available option for some, but the stigma, cost, and intimidating process can make it difficult.

Two years after my friends passing, I was introduced to my now business partner, Helena Plater-Zyberk. We had a long conversation about what was missing in the mental health space, and by the end of the meeting we had thought out a new company, which became Supportiv.

Supportiv provides anonymous peer support chats and hyper-personalized resources. It uses a simple, non-stigmatizing question"What's your struggle?"to connect users to others who want to talk about similar topics.

That might be the loss of a relationship, coping with anxiety, or bouncing back after messing something up. The company won SXSW's pitch competition in 2019 for social and cultural impact, and in two years, we have passed 300,000 users with more than five million conversations on the platform.

The chats that occur have similar benefits to in-person support groups, but with important differences: Nobody knows your identity and you can talk to understanding people 24/7.

We decided on small group chats (seven people, max) to eliminate any biases or judgment that can occur over voice or video. And because anonymity can spawn trolls, we included professional moderators to facilitate positive peer-to-peer conversations.

And weve made it with little-to-no barriers to entry, so its more accessible to more people than traditional therapy. (Supportiv is free for 24 hours, then it costs 20 cents per minute.)

Supportiv also makes a point of making traditionally "feminine" mental health topics, like self-care, accessible to men (read our " <a href="https://www.supportiv.com/tools/self-care-checklist-for-manly-men" id="28dd3408-bf5b-3977-a792-63d70550ad04"> Self Care Checklist For Manly Men </a> "), which is important to us, since 57 percent of Supportiv users are men.

[Editors note: Pouria has offered Mens Health readers the chance to try Supportiv for a month for free by entering the code MensHealth on the payment screen.]

This Man's Mental Health Journey Inspired an App

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It's time to talk. Thirty-five <a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness.shtml" id="b5bedb08-64d3-3d35-a13e-59a4bcaad4ce"> percent </a> of men are being treated for mental illness, but that number may be low because too many men don't seek help. This is exactly why we're spotlighting men who are getting guys to open up about mental health in provocative, engaging, and sometimes hilarious ways. Next up is Pouria Mojabi, who co-fou...

Pouria Mojabi's Mental Health App Is Helping Men Talk About Emotions. Finally.

MY STORY HAS two defining moments and they both happened in jail cells.

The first one starts with how I was born. My mother was incarcerated and had me in prison. After my birth, my mother was released from jail and my aunt was declared my legal guardian. I grew up with her, my uncle, and my cousins, in their home in Little Rock, Arkansas. My father was in prison at the same time as my mother. I never lived with either of my parents.

Then my father died when I was 10 years old. I was in the third grade when it happened and I remember my teacher told me to be a man and stop crying. It was degrading.

I was taught that as a young African-American man, displaying any signs of emotion was "being weak." As a result, I bottled up the depression, anxiety, and anger.

But all that pressure couldnt hold. I would release it in the form of outbursts at school. Eventually, I was placed in a behavioral health facility.

I felt a lack of love and self-esteem. It fueled the way I walked through life and led to me to being held back in 7 th grade. It's also what led me to gang life.

\"But when I arrived in detention I was shook, I felt sick, and I was more depressed than ever.\"

When I was 17, a friend of mine got jumped at a basketball game. I made the decision that I wanted to retaliatewith a gun. So I headed to the school of the kid whod hurt my friend.

Before I could even use the gun, the police intervened, and it led to a high-speed chase. When the police finally caught up, I was charged with a felony gun charge and incarcerated. It was a short period of timeno more than three months.

But when I arrived in detention I was shook, I felt sick, and I was more depressed than ever. I thought of my parents and it was a scary feeling. This was my second defining moment.

\"That\'s where I noticed that there was a systemic problem brewing.\"

After I served my time, a judge gave me a second chance.

The judge deemed my charge a misdemeanor, not a felony conviction, and I was put on probation. I took full advantage of it. I didnt look back. It allowed me to get my life back on track.

My first step was college. I attend University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff in 2007. Going to college was a game changer, because it led me to be in a community of people who wanted better for themselves. In 2015 I earned a master's degree in public administration, too.

I had to seek help with my mental health struggles after leaving graduate school. I realized the childhood trauma wasn't going away that I needed to take charge more aggressively.

Through therapeutic efforts, I was able to take new coping skills I had learned and build a positive support group around me.

By the time I graduated with my MPA, I was 28, and working in social services in my hometown of Little Rock. I'd been working with, and in, intensive psychiatric hospitals and behavioral homes for children. That's where I noticed that there was a systemic problem brewing.

For years I saw that the therapeutic and professional staff had zero understanding of historical and racial trauma for the black men they were serving. [Ed note: <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2018/02/datapoint" id="564f4db6-4869-3c8c-a04c-9cbdb600df07"> Research shows </a> that only four percent of psychologists in the United States are African American.] If they dont come from these communities and understand what it is to be black in America, they need to be educated on it.

This spurred the idea for my non-profit, <a href="https://www.theconfessproject.com" id="0a6ab0de-04ce-3487-a37f-1f3ca470fffe"> The Confess Project </a> .

\"We are in this together. You have support and I, as your barber, support you.\"

The Confess Project works to build mental health culture for boys and men of color. One of the ways we do that is by training educators and mental health professionals to understand the cultural and racial support that men of color need. This helps address those gaps in care that I saw when I was working in behavioral health.

One of the most interesting groups our project works with is <a href="https://www.theconfessproject.com/campaign-1-1" id="0f4b5ccf-c0af-3f1b-a06a-4e6d5cdf24aa"> barbers </a> .

Our organization found that 58 percent of men said they would seek out mental health services if it was in a barbershop. By training barbers to become mental health advocates, we are helping to de-stigmatize the conversation around mental health in a place men feel more comfortable talking.

Through The Confess Project, barbers learn how to be active listeners, how to validate clients' responses, and how to eliminate mental health stigma by using positive language.

Here's an example: If a barber's client says something negative about their emotional state, we help that barber respond with something like: "We are in this together. You have support and I, as your barber, support you."

In fact, even some of our barbers benefit directly from the training. We had a barber in Kentucky who was struggling with alcoholism and other relational problems. He was able to get on an exercise regiment and go into therapy. He then went on to help his clients get help and refer them to counseling.

This year The Confess Project partnered with Gillette through its The Best Men Can Be grant fund to tour 16 cities and enlist more barbers in the program.

Although the tour has had to be delayed because of the pandemic, you can keep updated about the tour <a href="https://www.theconfessproject.com/state-of-the-mind-tour" id="5b0a86f5-82cb-3dd6-a581-f7c4d24f9e38"> here </a> .

Lorenzo Lewis Is Helping Men Talk Mental Health

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It's time to talk. Thirty-five <a href="https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness.shtml" id="b5bedb08-64d3-3d35-a13e-59a4bcaad4ce"> percent </a> of men are being treated for mental illness, but that number may be low because too many men don't seek help. This is exactly why we're spotlighting men who are getting guys to open up about mental health in provocative, engaging, and sometimes hilarious ways. First up: Lorenzo Lewis, the founder...

Lorenzo Lewis Is Helping Men of Color Talk About Mental Health—Through Their Barbers

A few of my family members were already <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/fitness/a29036317/bodybuilding-army-fitness-test-challenge-youtube-video/" id="533f3695-996f-365e-a7a9-4ec65f617a40"> serving in the Army </a> , and the older I got, the more I wanted to serve.

But that seemed unlikely back in 1991, when I was 16. I weighed 265 pounds. I told my gym teacher I had asthma so I could get out of high school phys ed. The Army, I was convinced, wouldn't want me as I was.

So I started running, sought relief for my asthma, and lost 45 pounds by October 1992. Six months later I graduated high school and enlisted in the Army.

As you can imagine, I was in pretty good shape after basic training and could run two miles with ease. I went on to serve four years in field artillery cannon operations, from 1992 to 1996. When I left the Army, I weighed 185 pounds and had a 32-inch waist.

Once I left the military, and without the Army to keep me in line, I put on 100 pounds over 11 years. And then I put on another 44 pounds. In 2019, I weighed 329 pounds.

I felt like there wasnt really a reason to maintain myself because no one was holding me accountable. Throughout this time, I ate more and more fast food and sweets. Exercise, which had been a constant, slowly faded to the background.

Becoming a chef in 2007 didnt help and even kept me in denial. As a chef, I wasnt really a big deal to my customers. But it was just an excuse to be overweight.

During my annual doctor's office visit, my physician told me my triglycerides level were elevated. It sunk in that I needed to get my health under control.

Deep down, even if I wasnt making changes, I knew I had it in me to return to where I once had been. I knew there was a better version of me inside of me, because Id been him before. Id seen him. Id lived as him.

In 2019, I was returning home from a cruise, on a plane, and I was struggling to put my seatbelt on. I couldn't. So instead I held it in place. Then a flight attendant called him out.

Once she passed me, I took a deep breath, held in my stomach, and fastened my belt. It barely fit. I knew right then I needed make a change. I had to hold myself accountable.

The first thing I did was buy a scale. I'd never had one in my home. I gave up all my late-night eating and fast food. And I made sure to make meals with lean proteins and vegetables.

Exercise-wise, I went back to the cardio I'd known so well from my youth. I walked, then run, and mixed in cycling and jump rope too.

In just three months, I started seeing results: I had lost 30 pounds and a few inches off my waist.

In the summer of 2019, I really cracked down and starting pushing myself. It took about a year, but now I feel absolutely amazing.

During all this my son has been a motivator for me and continues to be. Whether Im on a treadmill or running in my neighborhood, Im constantly thinking of him, and living for him. Hes now nine years old and two belts away from becoming a black belt. (He said hell teach me some moves.)

Next on my goal sheet is to drop about 30 more pounds this year. This will put me close to my military weight. But with a 109-pound weight loss alreadygoing from a 48-inch waistline to 36 inchesI've already made incredible leaps with my health.

Cleaning out my closet multiple times has been very liberating for me. Literally out with the old and in with the new.

This Chef Lost 109 Pounds With a Super Basic Plan

As a kid, I wanted to serve in the Army.

When I was 18, I was lifeguarding at a waterpark in Omaha after having graduated from high school. That's when first started using drugs and alcohol.

In the fall of 1994, I started at the University of Nebraska at Omaha, and pledged a fraternity. But my Phi Kappa Alpha days didnt last long. I was caught selling drugs to older members. Then I was caught drinking by the police and got six months probation. Then I failed a pee test and received another year of probation.

This is how it was for the next 20 yearsa drug-addled blur of parties, having a daughter, drug trafficking, an arrest, having another daughter, an overdose, a Vegas marriage, an annulment 28 days later, having a son, another marriage, another divorce, lots of oxy, and two rehab stints.

Back to 2015, when I was withdrawing in bed, unable to eat or even drink water. My son, who was 8-years-old at the time, started to recognize that something was seriously wrong with me because I was in bed all day long and not able to play with him or even make him breakfast.

I had become completely hooked on pain meds after a two-decade struggle with alcoholism and substance abuse. I was near death. I had alienated myself from almost everyone in my life. I had ruined my finances and had pretty much lost all hope of ever getting sober.

My mom came to my house on March 6, 2015, and told me to get up, because I was going to rehab. This was my third attempt, but my first attempt at a holistic, non-12 step, rehab approach. I was nervous, but hopeful.

While in rehab, I read the book Zen And The Art Of Happiness by Chris Prentiss, and a particular quote from it became a life-changing statement for me: "Everything that happens to me is the best possible thing that can happen to me."

I decided to set the quote to go off each morning as a calendar event, a daily reminder to reflect on my reactions to the days events.

During that time, I also tried new meditative experiences, like a sound bathing, where you end up in deep meditative state by being enveloped in ambient sound.

In my old life, I used to ignorantly judge this type of thing, but when I allowed myself to try new things that had the potential to help heal me is when my spiritual growth began to happen.

I realized that in addition to changing my mental health, I needed to attack my physical health as well. I joined a personal training gym. After all the isolation I had created, the gym helped me reverse that.

Its said that the opposite of addiction is connection. That is why the one-on-one personal connections Ive made by working out with a personal trainer has been really important for my journey.

Two years into my sobriety, with the support of my rehab counselor, I have become a <a href="https://sobercoaching.com/sober-companion/" id="24f1a61d-936e-3a1d-a61b-6ff1e719a3d9"> sober coach and companion </a> . That means, when needed, I'll live in a clients home 24/7 to help them create a maintainable lifestyle. I'll also assist with interventions or rehab placement.

I'm still hitting the gym, now seven days a week. I've gone from 250 pounds to 210 pounds, and have less than 5 percent body fat.

Five years later, that Prentiss quote still pops up every morning on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/sobercoaching_aaron/?hl=en" id="17481b97-1a76-3be7-aed7-6dbe8a434dab"> my phone </a> . Its an incredibly powerful way to change my reaction to the events that happen throughout my day. It's sort of like looking at the events throughout my day as though they are happening for me and not to me.

One day in March of 2015, I was drenched in a pool of my own sweat withdrawing from <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/health/a26280348/non-opioid-treatment-chronic-pain/" id="cc02e342-b421-350f-a5c6-1ee349e6f43f"> opioids </a> . The last 20 or so years of my life had finally caught up to me.

This Guy Spent 20 Years Battling Addiction. Now Fitness Is Helping Him Stay Sober.

By 14, I was an active gang member. I sold marijuana, carried a gun, barely went to school, and drank with my aunts and uncles.

During winter break of my senior year of high school, an event happened that changed my immediate direction in life: My cousin and I were robbed by a rival gang member at gun point with a red beam.

I was told to strip down, and my cousin was shot in the arm as we tried to make run for it. Id been shot at many times before, but that one was it for me. This was the first and only time the gun was pointed straight to my head.

I re-directed my life. I didnt go back to school, because I figured he was too far behind, but by 18, I was working at Popeye's in the day, and a graveyard shift a few days a week for a painting company.

By 2000, I was 20, had a wife, a son on the way, a job with Popeyes as a shift leader, and was studying theology to work in the ministry. And all of it was to make sure I didnt repeat the life I'd grown up with. I committed to a faith, got married, had children, and kept a 9 to 5.

"I'm good," I figured. "I won't be what I saw." I wasn't thinking about being happy. I just wanted to try hard to be righteous.

But even though I was working hard not to let my early life creep back, there were still plenty of problems weighing on me that repeated over the next decade of my life.

First, was infidelity. I had four either physical or emotional affairs between 2000 and 2015.

In 2004, I began a long string of relocations, moving back and forth from my parents to my in-laws, with five moves in 10 years.

Plus, there were multiple car repossessions and bank overdrafts. My health was a wreck. At 168 pounds and 19 percent body fat, I was skinny fat.

But I own it. I just did not know how to plan, manage, and deal with the three tests life has tried us all with: health, finances, and relationships. I kept circling the same mountains.

At 33, I moved back in with my in-laws for the third time, and with my now family of five. And thats when the panic attacks started.

My anxiety attacks were the turning points. I had to stop ignoring the tugging and turning away from the curiosity. I had to find out what it was.

So I headed to the gym, not to change my physique, but to clear my psyche. I didn't know what I was doing, but it was a new sanctuary for me. Every set and rep, I asked myself, What's next? There has to be more. The gym is where the light turned on, so the gym is where I stayed.

This Guy's Rough Childhood Because His Motivation.

The gym helped me pivot, hard, in every aspect of my life. There are two ways people change. Either by how bad you want something, or by how bad you didn't want something anymore. I was at both.

I became a certified personal trainer and a year later separated from my wife. The more my identity and purpose unfolded, the more I had to face making some hard decisions. The guilt of feeling like I had stolen and wasted someone's time was a weight no deadlift or squat could compare to. But I couldn't continue living a lie.

I started focusing on my physical health more, dropping to 165 pounds and 11 percent body fat in my first two years in the gym.

The first time I used an incline dumbbell bench, I used 35-pound dumbbells and my left arm gave out on my 3rd set and 4th rep. Now my incline is 120-pound dumbbells at 3 reps. Now I maintain around 170 pounds and five to seven percent body fat year round.

I have a picture of myself when I was a baby on my screensaver and vision board. Every time I look at him, I remind him of how proud I'm going to make him.

Don't think you have to have it all figured out. Expect and embrace change. In fact, chase it. Whatever you want, don't hesitate, go after it.

I grew up in in a family fueled by drugs and gangs. My mother was a well-known drug dealer and I remember being 8-years-old, witnessing my parents and sisters weighing, cooking, and bagging drugs.

This Guy's Past Was Filled With Drugs and Violence. Then He Found the Gym.

Politics

Local

World

News

Celebrities

Music

Movies

Entertainment

Sports 

Fashion

Beauty & Health

Relationships & Weddings

Food & Travel

Lifestyle

Domestic

International 

Business

Explore categories

Checkout our authors for the latest content across entertainment, sports, business and more. Be first to receive exclusive updates with your free subscription straight to your phone | Pulselive Kenya

Authors | Pulselive Kenya

| Pulselive Kenya

Read the latest news across entertainment, sports, business and more. Be first to receive exclusive updates with your free subscription straight to your phone | Pulselive Kenya

Breaking News & Top Stories | Pulselive Kenya

Pulse Kenya is the most followed news and entertainment platform in Kenya. It informs and engages young Kenyans around the clock and provides updates by the hour.

Pulselive Kenya

Search for the latest content across entertainment, sports, business and more. Be first to receive exclusive updates with your free subscription straight to your phone | Pulselive Kenya

Search Results | Pulselive Kenya

Watch the latest videos across entertainment, sports, business and more. Be first to receive exclusive updates with your free subscription straight to your phone| Pulselive Kenya