Julie Vadnal

Still, the signs that men are supposed to last well into the a.m. are everywhere. Some of them come from pop culturethanks, Beyonc, for lyrics like We be all night in Drunk in Loveand the rest are unsurprisingly from porn. (Gasp, right?) In porn, people can last forever, so then mens understanding is that as long as you last forever too, thats good, says Harry Fisch, M.D., a clinical professor of urology and reproductive medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. But then they dont consider what is average, whats normal. Dr. Fisch also blames bad sex ed for the rumor that longer sex = better sex.

Scientists have researched sexual stamina, and found a big gap between how long sex actually lasts and how long people would like it to last. A 2005 study of 500 couples from around the world found that the average intercourse session lasted just 5.4 minuteswith or without a condom. Yet according to a 2008 study, most sex therapists agreed that desirable sex lasts anywhere between seven and 13 minutes. (That two- to sevenish-minute gap? Thats the sound of men everywhere scratching their head.)

If 13 minutes sounds like an eternity, dont worry. You dont need to have the endurance of a long-distance runner. An obsession with lasting foreeeever during sex could even make you imagine youve got <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19529671/penis-problems/" id="67ac615d-3a70-35f7-a533-6f22dd74d585"> penis problems </a> .

Many young men think they have premature ejaculation when theyre well within normal limits, says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of Becoming Cliterate. So while five minutes may seem like a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things, its still two minutes past being considered premature ejaculation, which is generally an emission that happens in three minutes or less. And in those cases, there are some <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a22549221/what-is-edging-orgasm-control/" id="a63c3926-18cb-3a92-a3b2-8803b166d022"> practical solutions for drawing out the process </a> .

Most important, a super-lengthy sex session isnt what most women say they want. I feel like guys get a lot of anxiety about lasting a long time for their partner, says Maddie, 21, a student in New York City. But really, its not about quantity; its about quality. And sometimes too long just plain hurts.

Thats because most womenlike, almost all of usdont get off from vaginal intercourse alone. A lot of men are under the false impression that thrusting hard and lasting long is the key to a womans orgasm, Mintz says. But its the number-one lie about getting laid.

Sex research backs this up: A study published in the Journal of Sex &amp; Marital Therapy in 2017 found that only 18 percent of women said intercourse alone can make them climax. The rest said clitoral stimulation was either necessary or that it made their orgasms feel even better. Plus, too much in-and-out action can make a woman dry and cause her pain, says Mintz.

Women often take longer than men to orgasmaround 20 minutes to a mans fivebut chances are she doesnt want you pumping away for that long. Most women say theyd rather spend that extra time warming up with foreplay, which Mintz says is a much bigger predictor of female orgasm than a few minutes of thrusting.

Not every woman is cool with superquick intercourse, like Amanda, 28, who says shes a 10- to 20-minute woman. In that case, using a benzocaine wipe such as Roman Swipes ( <a href="https://start.getroman.com/last-longer-in-bed/2?ro_ch=cpc&amp;ro_p=google&amp;ro_con=5&amp;ro_c=2039358693&amp;ro_g=72088223716&amp;ro_a=356082467458&amp;ro_t=kwd-612006625580&amp;ro_n=g&amp;ro_d=c&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQjwv8nqBRDGARIsAHfR9wCw8Ln_Dii3Oki8c7ozszwPfeNeZM0tokuA3pXjHWEKLsupl1IsfnwaAkSfEALw_wcB&amp;utm_expid=.r3621fgiQ5Cl64MAUIyrng.1&amp;utm_referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F" id="19eb57ec-6e00-398a-aec5-74bf94ec976d"> $22/month </a> ) can numb your shaft to make you last longer, says Dr. Fisch.

But Amanda adds that no matter how long penetration lasts, foreplay is the most essential part. The moments leading up to sex are the most exciting to me, she says. The actual penetration, its just icing on the cake.

Instead of dragging things out with endless thrusting, treat foreplay as her main event, Mintz suggests. Slowly count to ten as you sweep your fingertips or tongue along her hot zones. (Think the thin skin on her wrists, her neck, and her breasts.) Or run a vibrator around her labia and inner thighs. Focusing on foreplay doesnt just soothe any Am I lasting long enough? anxiety; it also makes the eventual penetrative sex that much more sensual for you both. Shell feel relaxed and lubricated, and youll be more than ready to go. Plus, 77 percent of women in that 2017 Sex &amp; Marital Therapy study said that spending time building arousal enhanced their orgasms.

Keep in mind that you dont have to rely on intercourse at all for her to climaxsometimes the best sex happens before you even get to home base.

Quit Worrying About Lasting Longer in Bed

How to last longer in bed. Its one of the most searched questions about sex, Googled around 60,500 times per month (mostly by dudes, were guessing). And in the past year alone, a story on our very own website called <a href="https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19544044/have-sex-for-an-hour/" id="4de24d1e-44db-3d2a-ab38-9b9ce4ff98e8"> 11 Ways to Last Longer in Bed </a> has had nearly 700,000 visitors. But we have a secret to tell you: You dont actually need to stress about lasting through m...

Everything You've Heard About How Long You Should Last in Bed Is a Lie

Only hitch: Youre not really doing it. As sexual moves go, anal sex tends to be the one that straight guys are least likely to try. According to data from the 2018 Lifestyles Millennial Sex Survey, heterosexual men said theyre half as likely to have anal sex when they have intercourse compared with vaginal sex.

If you want to give it a try, talk about it with your partner first instead of going ahead and slipping a finger in during sex, which can backfire. Best to have the conversation before youre in the bedroom, when hormones and emotions arent as high, says relationship expert Sadie Allison, CEO of Tickle Kitty and author of Tickle My Tush. Casually bring it up during an evening glass of wine, Allison suggests. Heres how to get started, no matter if youre concentrating on their end or theyre going crazy on you:

GO SLOW: The nice thing about anal sex is that it can be anything you want it to be-you dont have to use your penis to please your partner. Since a slow warmup is key to successful anal sex, start with foreplay to the biggest sex organ, the brain, says Allison. As youre making out, tell your partner how excited you are to explore something new with them, then use your hands to gently knead and squeeze their cheeks. It sounds silly, but its an incredibly sensual erogenous zone, and itll put you both in the mood.

START WITH YOUR HANDS: You already know that lubed-up fingers can be like magic wands in the bedroom, and that holds true when it comes to anal. Allison suggests these three buildup moves for maximum pleasure: fingerpadding, a kind of no-penetration fingertip move in which you simply pet the anus on the surface with the pads of your fingers; fingertipping, a mild penetration move in which you insert a fingertip and make a circular motion; and fingerpleasing, in which you insert a full finger and make a come-hither motion to give his prostate or her clitoral legs a jolt of amazingness.

MAYBE TRY YOUR MOUTH, TOO: Okay, okay. We know that this is definitely not for everyone, but running a soft tongue around the anal opening (aka rimming) can be an incredibly stimulating technique that delivers pleasure like Postmates because of all of the nerve endings situated there. For a more advanced take, Allison recommends a motorboating action by blowing a light stream of air through your puckered lips. An important note: Just make sure the area is clean, says Michael, who suggests a dental dam (you can get them discreetly shipped to you on Amazon) as protection.

ONLY GO ONE WAY: If youre with a female partner, move only from vaginal to anal sex-not the other way around. The rectum is loaded with bacteria that do not agree with the vagina, says Sherry Ross, M.D., author of She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Womens Health. Period. If you do go from anal to vaginal sex, use a new condom. Otherwise, you could be moving some not-pleasant bacteria into her nether regions and risking infections, pelvic inflammatory disease, and, well, never going on a date with her again.

SET BOUNDARIES: Maybe youre new to this, so remember that you dont haveto go all the way your first time. It could just be your partner rubbing around your opening at first to see if it is something that feels good to you, and if you enjoy the sensation, then you can talk about penetration after, says Michael. So set some rules before you get going-if youre not down for full penetration, make it clear with your partner. It doesnt mean youll never be ready, but for now, its off the table.

PROTECT YOURSELF: Your partner should always wear a condom during anal sex, Dr. Ross says. So if your partner is another guy, make sure he wraps it up before entering. (And that youre doing the same when its your turn to give.) Same with a woman: If your lady is rimming you, she should also use a dental dam, as you would on her.

JUST RELAX: This may be new and a little nerve-racking, but its important that your sphincter muscles are loose during anal play, otherwise you could injure the delicate skin around the anal opening. Being mentally prepared for anal sex is half the battle, Dr. Ross says, and dont forget that your partner wants to please you, not hurt you. Then take a deep breath and release any tension you may be holding in as you exhale. And enjoy it.

First things first: Everyone has a butt, and anatomically speaking, men and women have more or less identical back doors. Second things second: The area is filled with nerve endings that can lead to some pretty amazing feels for both sexes. For men, the prostate, a walnut-sized gland situated in front of the rectum, can be a major pleasure center when its stimulated. Its even gotten the nickname the P-spot because its so often compared to the female G-spot, says sex therapist Dawn Michael. Fo...

The Best Butt Stuff to Try, Whether You're Brand New or an Anal Pro

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Pulse Kenya is the most followed news and entertainment platform in Kenya. It informs and engages young Kenyans around the clock and provides updates by the hour.

Julie Vadnal

Articles written by the author

Everything You've Heard About How Long You Should Last in Bed Is a Lie

The Best Butt Stuff to Try, Whether You're Brand New or an Anal Pro