by Aryelle Siclait

At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says <a href="http://drhollyrichmond.com/" id="26474a58-7c49-3d6c-a093-0ccdf6a37960"> Holly Richmond, PhD </a> , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it\'s nice to be let off the hook.\"

So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reinsat your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.

If youre just starting out, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you ( la <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdS6HFQ_LUc" id="b2fb1e1b-9bcf-3da5-a106-1b60e78c4fe4"> Rihanna </a> ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.

Below is everything you need to know if youre thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.

Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.

But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:

<ul><li> Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a submissive to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one. </li></ul>

<ul><li> Dominance and submission: This d escribes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance) . Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual actsor through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter. </li></ul>

<ul><li> Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult. </li></ul>

P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).

2. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19929367/how-to-share-your-fantasy/" id="37cace88-8740-3d2d-aa0c-2520c4186ddc"> what you want </a> and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.

<h1> 3. Consider making it a group affair. </h1>

If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiencesas long as, of course, your partner is on board.

If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sortseven if you're dating or married.

This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of funnot weird or transactionalbecause it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come).

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.

Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."

\"Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately.\"

Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasure for everyone involvedso as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19984127/best-couples-sex-toys/" id="ce6d2999-e2f2-3c1a-a4f5-8c33558a6f23"> toys and props </a> can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a19993339/best-bullet-vibrators/" id="309c33e5-80c7-3ee2-a27b-28b22225ce88"> vibrators </a> , paddles, <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a22514579/how-to-use-anal-beads/" id="dc95cc0c-16cb-37e9-a79f-0055fa69e563"> anal beads </a> , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a chokeror a cat mask and tailto represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.

Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/g22800801/celebrity-halloween-costumes-couples/" id="e5d8fb54-ee89-3871-a15a-3652fa23062f"> Halloween-style </a> , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, eitherbecause once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

<h1> 10. Save time for "aftercare." </h1>

"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.

The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

10 Non-Scary Ways To Bring BDSM Into The Bedroom

Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice gets a bad rap as one that's physically or mentally harmful, one that only survivors of abuse embrace, and one that's abnormally kinky. But it's actually none of those things.

A Beginner's Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

According to Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, one of the best ways to repair a relationship is to put some distance between you and your partner by taking a break. "Separation can be very healing," she says. "When a situation is complicated, having distance to get clarity is important." And a break is the way to get it.

Taking a break is a chance for people in a relationship to explore what not being together feels like, take time for personal growth, and look at their relationship from a distance. "So many couples think a healthy relationship means being together all the time, but thats not true," says Spector. Attaching yourself to another person-while it might work for some-can be the perfect setup for disaster down the road, especially if there are disagreements you cant seem to let go of.

Breaks are for partners who care about each other but cant see eye-to-eye. They require you and your partner take a significant amount of time to weigh how you feel being separated versus how you feel together. Then-and only then-you can determine which is better.

And though separation is much easier said than done, its essential to what Spector calls "relationship renovations" and breaking toxic patterns. Breaks allow couples to see the partnership from a new perspective, acknowledge personal doubts and wrongdoings, determine changes that need to be made, and then decide if the relationship is even worth continuing. In Spectors experience, couples usually realize it is.

But remember: breaks are not one-size-fits-all (because that would just be too easy). The way you carve out time away from your partner totally depends on the kind of the relationship youre in. Does one person depend on the other financially? Are there children in the picture? Is this a long-distance relationship? The nitty-gritty makes all the difference and must be **seriously** considered beforehand or else the break might just turn into a breakup.

<h1> Gotcha. But how do I plan a break? </h1>

"Breaks must be done with clear rules and for the right reasons," says Spector. A break is not the answer if youre too afraid to end the relationship, want to see other people, or punish your partner.

It is the move, however, if your intentions are to share a toothbrush holder with your partner for the long hall. You each must be willing to use the time apart to be honest with yourselves and really reflect on what you can do to make that a possibility.

Wondering whether your relationship is make or break? Ask yourself these two questions:

Once you and your partner discuss reasons for the break, the next step is to come up with a game plan for the separation. Consider these conditions when coming up with your break guidelines:

<ul><li> Whether or not to involve a relationship therapist </li><li> The length of the break (duration depends on the couple and the issues, but Spector insists that a week is **not** enough for real change) </li><li> How often youll contact or see each other during the break, if ever </li><li> Whether youll discuss what you did while you were apart (this ones major-just ask Ross from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZkArA-WSus">Friends</a> ) </li><li> Whether youll date and sleep with other people </li><li> How youll explain your break to your families, friends, and children </li></ul>

Again, no break will look like another. Some might be limited to weekends because living separately is too expensive. Other times, breaks call for month-long total radio silence, and there are instances when a couple comes back stronger after dating other people. Its up to you to determine what will work for you. But Spector does warn: "The more [conditions] you add, the more complicated breaks can become."

Tbh, sometimes couples come back from breaks and one person hasnt taken responsibility for their actions, or someone realizes they want to call it quits. But, typically, if you both commit to honest self-reflection during the break and compare how you felt during the separation to being together, your relationship ends up stronger. Partners will have had time to consider what they need from the relationship and what they need to do to make sure their partner is feeling fulfilled, too.

Of course, just because youve spent time apart doesnt mean your issues will have disappeared. But the separation will have given you and your partner the chance to approach your relationship differently and move forward.

Should You Take A Break From Your Relationship?

Relationship slipping through your fingers? Well, before you start trying to desperately save it by handcuffing yourself to your partner and willing stability by proximity, consider ditching the entire relationshipat least for a while. No, seriously.

Should You Take A Break From Your Relationship? Here's How To Tell

The thing about these songs, however, is that they don't actually have to be about sex, though, conveniently, they usually are. What's important is the rhythm, the chills brought on by a moody voice, and the song's ability to sustain that feeling all. night. long.

Here are all the jams you're going to want to queue, STAT.

<h1> Get You (feat. Kali Uchis) by Daniel Ceasar </h1>

"Everything I need's between those thighs," Daniel sings on this slow beat. Yes, it's direct, but that doesn't mean the song is lacking in poetry or beauty. Throughout the entire track, Daniel sings about how the subject of his lyrics is his everything, play it when you're with yours.

<h1> Come Away With Me by Norah Jones </h1>

This "oldie, but a goodie," excels at making you want to make sweet love surrounded by candles and an obscene amount of pillows. And if it doesn't, it should.

<h1> Girl (feat. Kaytranada) by The Internet </h1>

This song deserves top spot on any sex playlist. It's the ultimate bop about wanting to get boo'd up and make things official. What's more? It's got THE sexiest beat which is begging to play in the background while you consummate the relationship.

<h1> Confidently Lost by Sabrina Claudio </h1>

Every bedroom needs a little Sabrina Claudio. Her soulful voice will practically turn the lights down low on its own while you slip under the sheets.

<h1> Thinkin Bout You by Frank Ocean </h1>

There's a slim chance this bop isn't already on your playlist, but if it somehow isn't, allow me to introduce you to Frank Ocean and his falsetto. It's everything you'll need from the pick-me-up-and-take-me-to-the-bedroom type loving, to the let's-slowly-undress-each-other kind.

Love Galore (feat. Travis Scott) by SZA

Since including every single song from this album might be overkill (though it makes the sexiest soundtrack), here's one track that'll do the trick every time. SZA's storytelling on "Love Galore" is somehow ideal for both upping the romance and getting down and dirty when you're in that kind of mood. And then there's that baseline...

With lyrics including "Can't wait to taste your skin" and "You know that I adore you," Miguel's "Adorn" is a sexy anthem about appreciating every part of your partner before going in to touch.

Love On The Brain by Rihanna

Not that you need an explanation for wanting to (consensually) rip someone's clothes off, Rihanna is here to give you one anyway-must be love on the brain.

Sorry, Norah can't just be on here once. While most of her songs cater to nighttime lovemaking-thanks to her raspy voice and slow piano, this one is ideal for those spontaneous morning moments when you roll over, lock eyes, and instantly know what's about to go down.

<h1> Lost Without U by Robin Thicke </h1>

This slow jam is one of those that's explicitly about sex and has the sultry beat to back up lyrics such as, "Tell me how you love me more / And how you think I'm sexy babe."

On this hip-thrusting track Ciara offers instructions: "You can keep your hands on me, touch me right there, rock my body." So, when you're unable to get the words out about what you want, Ciara's got you covered.

"Often" by The Weeknd

This sex-inducing song should appear on your sex playlist often (pun intended). Hit play and let The Weeknd's seductive voice get things started every night. (Pro tip: Try the Kygo remix for a faster tempo.)

Skin by Rihanna

Sometimes all you need is RiRi cheering you on with "No heels / No shirt / No skirt / All I'm in is just skin," over and over while you do it over and over.

<h1> "Die A Happy Man" by Thomas Rhett </h1>

If country is more your vibe, Thomas Rhett's "Die A Happy Man" will take you from slow dancing to slow sexing before the track is over, guaranteed.

<h1> P.D.A. (We Just Dont Care) by John Legend </h1>

Every once in a while there comes a song so sweet, yet so sensual that you have to play it on loop for a while before you can move on to another. And that's how it was with this throwback. John sings the truth about not giving a damn about who sees you and your partner going at it in public and the thrill that comes with it, and it still holds up.

"Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey)" by The Weeknd

Would any sex playlist be complete without some inspiration from Fifty Shades of Grey? This song gets into your veins and injects an immediate shot to your libido. Seriously, it works anytime, anywhere. All hail The Weeknd for taking us from zero to turned on with the click of a mouse.

This bop deserves special recognition because its six minutes long and doesn't let up at any point. Bey singing "Hold me 'til I scream for air to breathe / Don't wash me over until my well runs dry / Send all your sins all over me babe," is guaranteed to keep you going for a good while.

Oh, this seasoned gem? Yes, Marvin earned a spot because he works wonders before the action happens. He's all about singing you into the mood, so let him.

"3Way" by Teyana Taylor

When this comes on, stop what you're doing and add another person to the mix. Three's a party, right?

<h1> God is a woman by Ariana Grande </h1>

For good measure queue this track twice, if only to make sure your partner knows exactly how good they've got it by being with you. From a sultry croon, perfect for when things are starting, that builds to a funky beat which is sure to encourage stamina, "God Is A Woman" covers all the bases.

Kiss It Better by Rihanna

This steamy number from Rihanna about completely giving yourself to someone else with lines like "Do what you gotta do / Keep me up all night," is everything a playlist needs to take the night from sweet to sweaty.

Get your bodies moving in sync to this funky tune that's got a ton of soul shoved in throughout. It will become your soundtrack for those going-at-it-with-wild-abandon kinds of rendezvouses.

Take your time and settle in for some sensuous slow sex with Trey Songz. This simultaneously dirty and romantic, gritty and sensual song will turn up the heat on an already sweaty session between the sheets.

<h1> "Work (feat. Drake)" by Rihanna </h1>

Bonus points if you dance to this song before getting it on and during. If you need tips, just watch the Bad Gal dancing to it, she was so good, they had to make <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HL1UzIK-flA" id="4eb2fdbd-50f7-3c46-a7f2-c6175370027c"> two music videos </a> .

For those rushed-but-satisfying encounters, Miguel's got you covered. The song's just long enough for him to serenade you with: "I just wanna quickie / No bite marks / No scratches / And no hickies," and, if you time it right, he'll finish right around the time you do.

Whether you're in an LDR or just spent a couple of days apart, get emotional with Sam Smith's "Stay With Me." Let's be real, his soulful voice is all you need.

WARNING: this is not the song to play if you're trying to keep things quiet.

Teyana's own passionate moans are nothing short of inspirational on this bop about getting your needs met when you just can't wait any longer.

Because being the center of attention can feel so good, blast this during every closed curtain affair when you want your partner to "focus" on pleasing you.

<h1> "Feeling Myself (feat. Beyonc)" by Nicki Minaj </h1>

If there's one thing to know about this dynamic duo, it's that they're capable of rapping the hottest hype song which will boost your confidence before sex and power you back up when you feel the stamina leaving you. Nicki and Bey are here to reignite that fire and keep you going longer than you ever thought you could.

Demi's not one to beat around the bush, so when it came to creating the jam you want to dance and get it on to, she didn't disappoint. "You can touch me with slow hands / Speed it up, baby, make me sweat / Dreamland, take me there 'cause I want your sex," she sings. Totally absent of innuendo, this song is about stating exactly what you want and how fast.

The 30 Best Songs To Put On Your Sex Playlist

Sex playlists-everyone's got 'em. Whether you prefer to get down and dirty to <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/drake-and-rihanna-relationship-timeline/" id="7704df5c-6bc4-3e21-a446-76e82fd21d5e"> Drake and RiRi </a> , turn up the heat with some sultry SZA, or get it on with <a href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/chrissy-teigen-john-legend/" id="adfc1026-ee00-343d-ac96-dbb28d4f3999"> John Legend </a> (if only...), having a sex soundtrack can totally set t...

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by Aryelle Siclait

Articles written by the author

A Beginner's Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

Should You Take A Break From Your Relationship? Here's How To Tell

The 30 Best Songs To Put On Your Sex Playlist