Having trouble moving on from an Ex? Try the no contact rule [Pulse Contributor's Opinion]

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To call him or not to call him? That is the tricky question. After a break, there's this void that your ex leaves, like some sort of drug you're hooked on, you're convinced you just have to see and be with them.

You'll be convinced that you need to talk to them. You'll beg and plead to work on things, knowing full well that you'll end up in the same toxic circles again.

Unfortunately, not all relationships are made equal. As a result, it's not surprising if one person is more emotionally committed in a relationship than the other. When a relationship ends, one person is likely to hold feelings for their former partner and struggle to accept the breakup.

If you're having trouble getting over your ex, you could attempt the no contact rule. But what is the no-contact rule, exactly? The no contact rule is straightforward: it simply implies that you will not communicate with your former romantic partner for a set length of time (depending on the nature of the relationship and factors such as how long you were together, the no contact rule could last a few weeks or months). This rule entails:

  • No text messages
  • No phone calls
  • No instant messaging or emails
  • No "accidental" meetings
  • No contact via social media 
  • No stalking 
  • No contacting your ex's family or friends 

Absolutely no contact!

This may seem too extreme or too much when you are working to get over a breakup but the truth is that breaking off communication with an ex is the quickest and most effective way to genuinely move on. Taking the difficult first step of going no contact will help you get over a break-up faster than allowing it to fester and eventually spill into the tricky "we are friends" category.

It works because it allows you to sit with your sadness and wounds without having to fill in any gaps or feelings of brokenness with someone else. When you go no contact, it can help you properly acknowledge and mourn a loss, as well as finally make room for something new. This time is for you to process your own ideas, feelings, and needs without being interrupted by others.

Just to be clear, the no contact rule is not particularly effective for getting an ex back. Some people try to use it as a form of manipulation (i.e., to get your ex to miss you so much that they want you back). Just because some people's ex-partners have contacted them after a long period of no contact doesn't guarantee it will happen to everyone.

The no-contact rule should instead be about you and assisting you in moving on from your ex. It is an essential instrument for self-empowerment. You want to reach a point where you can say, "With or without you, my life will be fantastic."

The foregoing is an Opinion Article submitted to Pulse Live Kenya for publication as part of the Pulse Contributors initiative.

Pulse Contributors is an initiative to highlight diverse journalistic voices. Pulse Contributors do not represent the company Pulse and contribute on their own behalf.

Should you wish to submit an Article to Pulse, do so via contributors@pulse.co.ke.

Imou Eparis is a poet and writer. Who recently had her poems published in an anthology of poems titled When We Speak . The book was published in a group she co-founded called Rafinki.

She volunteered with KU radio for a 6 month period , writing and editing articles as well as managing their website. She also manages Rafinki's website as well. She has had her work published in the Kalahari review, WSA magazine, Rafinki and her personal blog. She was also the Kenyatta University poet of the year (2019).

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