So magazines and internet sites just love to tell people what to do. And sometimes, their answers to questions nobody ever asked are so bizarre, you wonder whether the writer has ever had normal sex.

Here are some bizarre bits of advice ever given by magazines.

Grab a fork and press it against his butt cheeks and pecs and thighs.

Kitchen utensils should stay in the kitchen. Unless you’re spanking with a spatula and even then, just invest in a paddle.

If your girlfriend is blinking more than normal, chances are she’s on the Pill.

What nonsensical science is this?

Use your breasts as paint brushes and cover your partner with edible paint then lick it off afterwards.

Sex is already messy enough. It doesn’t need further mess from something that could even end up being a health hazard.

Hide someone in the closet without telling your lover before having sex.

Voyeurism and exhibitionism should ONLY be done when both partners CONSENT.

Chores are foreplay.

No. They’re not.

Eat cookies during sex.

Cookies crumble faster than your self-esteem when your crush calls you ugly. And the crumbs are not pleasant in any way whatsoever on the skin.

Excite your boyfriend by touching his armpits.

What if he’s ticklish? What is he’s hairy and has a very strong musk? And when you have so many more enticing body parts to choose from, why go for the one place that has an entire industry dedicated to controlling the scents that are produced by it?

Slip your boyfriend’s member through a donut then eat the donut off of him.

Because baked goods with pubic hair go so well.

Give him a hand job having wrapped his member with a silk tie.

Don’t ruin clothes. Especially expensive clothes that should never get wet.

Grape-fruiting.

The juices could really sting should they go inside the slit. Just don’t do it.

When you want to propose, make your girlfriend suspicious but when she’s about to snap, surprise her.

Never ever do that.