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Uhuru forced to make drastic changes in Big 4 agenda over Miguna crisis (Satire)

Time for change

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Miguna Miguna's arrival on Monday has caused serious distractions to President Uhuru Kenyatta's plan to implement the "Big Four Agenda" that he had planned to shape his legacy term.

The President's favourite Cabinet Secretary, Dr Fred Matiang'i has not been able to sleep after the Judiciary has continued nagging him with numerous court orders - that nobody in government wants to see.

In light of the Miguna stand off, I would like to propose that Uhuru should with immediate effect adjust his Big four agenda for the sake of ensuring the NRM General does not overshadow his legacy.

Affordable Healthcare

This has been the core pillar of the so called Big 4 agenda. However, moving forward, it is necessary to make it into a policy of coming up with drugs that can easily sedate dissident Kenyans.

The police department has already demonstrated the efficiency of this proposed initiative after they drugged Miguna and managed to fly him to Dubai without any drama.

In the past 5 years, there are several Kenyans who have distracted President Kenyatta with questions that "have no legs."

Like asking him to fight corruption, upholding human rights, or even to explain the proceeds of the famous Eurobond scandal.

Affordable Housing

The Miguna saga has also shown us that toilets provide a very convenient abode that could be used to accommodate thousands of Kenyans who have been complaining about lack of housing.

In the reformed and rebranded Agenda 4, homeless Kenyans are encouraged to register with their Chief for accommodation in the closest idle toilet.

As soon as it is clear on the identity of the country that controls the land we hand hitherto known as JKIA, Uhuru will begin bilateral talks to ensure that some of our jobless citizens are hosted in the ultra modern toilets.

Manufacturing

Miguna's deportation has opened the President's eyes to the enormous value of Kenyans to the outside world.

Rather than waste resources on the struggling manufacturing sector, why not export strong and intelligent Kenyans who can fetch a better bargain?

It should now be compulsory for every Kenyan to acquire dual citizenship.

Once the Kenyan government is unable to provide services such as health care, it will then send an SOS to the other countries to come collect their citizens.

Food security

The might of the Kenyan police has demonstrated that the best security one can have is a gun and a police uninform.

Police officers, despite their poor pay that barely provides them with food, were able to lift a heavily built and well-fed Miguna.

Although many of them have never been on a plane, they were swift to deport a man who recently returned from a global tour.

In this regard, all the funds allocated to food security should hereby be channeled to recruitment of more officers. Period.

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