This was everything I had dreamed of, and now I had it all. As I sat next to the window, my mind drifted off to our destination. I had never been on a flight before hence I was torn in between the feeling of excitement and that of fear. It felt so peaceful being up there and yet, I could not shake off the idea that the plane might decide to come down like in the numerous stories I had seen of aircraft crashes.
Suicide after first sexual experience
My wife had slit her wrists while in the bath tub and she bled to death.
I was so engrossed in my thoughts, I hadn't realized Denis (not his real name) had come back to his seat from the toilet and was trying to tell me to snap out of the day dream I was having.
“Hujawacha taabia yako ya kuzubaa tu kila time kitu mpya hufanyika kwako? You still haven’t stopped your behavior of staring every time something new happens to you?” questioned Dennis.
I turned to face him and gave him a small jab to his arm which in turn he responded with a laughter and grabbed me to tickle me. Denis and I had been married for a week and we were heading to Johannesburg, South Africa, for our honeymoon. He had been saving for months for the trip and he couldn't hide the excitement about it. Going outside the country is one thing but doing it for a weekend with my now forever bae was something that gave me goosebumps considering the one thing we would be doing is getting freaky under the sheets.
I had been waiting for that stick for a very long time. I grew up knowing that sex was only meant for marriage in regards to the advice given to me by my parents who constantly warned me against having it until I was committed to the one.
They told me it was a taboo to sleep around and would constantly give me lectures on how it was good when having it in a commitment that will last forever and that i would be cursed the day i went against that advice. Now I have the one I desired and literally I couldn't wait to get off this flight and into the hotel room.
We touched down at the airport and found a taxi to take us to the hotel, something my husband had kept as a surprise and would not disclose to me despite the numerous attempts to persuade him to give me a clue. Arriving at the hotel, I was speechless at how beautiful the place was.
It was located near a small park as animals like Zebras and Antelopes could be seen from a far. The room was perfect in every sense. The lights could be dimmed to suit any mood and well my mood at the moment was to receive some stroking. I went into the bathroom to prepare my self for it by taking a shower cause the short trip to the hotel was dusty and wanted to be presentable to the love of my life when it goes down.
Stepping outside the shower, I found Denis lying on bed with a shirt and a boxer on and immediately he saw me, he stood up and came and grabbed my waist and we started making out. When he started the session, it was a bit painful but in my mind I kept telling myself it's my first time so maybe it's supposed to be this way. The more he continued the more painful it became.
I had now started to panic because the pain was too much and I was bleeding. I asked him to stop but he seemed not to have heard me due to the loud music that was on, so I pushed him off. He was surprised and thought i had done it cause of the overwhelming sense of pleasure so he tried to get me back on the bed but I told him I didn't want it anymore.
Shocked by that request, he went to shower as I sat on the bed. I was shaking and trembling from what I had just experienced. I kept asking myself what had just happened as I stared at the bed sheets with blood stains. I gathered my strength and somehow managed to change them and went to take a bath. The water that ran on the bathroom floor was red with my blood and I started crying after remembering the horrible feeling I had experienced.
Through the thoughts I had, I kept telling myself that sex was supposed to be an amazing thing but now I'm terrified. My cry turned into a wail and Denis got concerned and came outside the bathroom door to check on me.
"Babe, uko sawa. Mbona unalia? (Babe, are you okay. Why are you crying?)" asked Denis and after i did not respond, he went back to bed. That night I could not sleep and just sat on the bed deep in thought. In the morning, I requested Denis we go back home because I didn't want to stay there any more. Confused by my sudden request, he kept asking the reason for that yet we had just got there a day before, but I never gave him an explanation.
"Sasa hautanionglesha nikikuuliza swali? (You won't talk to me when i ask you a question?)"
I was not in the mood for an argument so i just reiterated, "Tafadhali, twende home. Nataka kuenda home tu. (Please, let's go home. I just want to go home.)"
He had quickly booked a flight and we left in the evening and throughout the trip back home i never spoke to him. Ever since that night, I had been having nightmares about it. I couldn't even sleep next to my husband because I feared him. I resented the idea of having sex each time he requested it. I resented him for what he did to me.
This became a problem to the point I decided to seek the help of a psychiatrist who is a friend of mine because I had sunk into depression and constantly suffered from insomnia due to the bad dreams. I thought it would help but the more I spoke about it the worse I felt. I felt as if a part of me had been stripped away cause the pain and torment was too much to bear. I could not keep leaving this way and so today I will end it once and for all, by ending my life.
Stella, which is not her real name, was found dead by Denis after he returned home from work on that day. She had slit her wrists while in the bath tub and had bled to death.
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