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A deliberate refusal to communicate, often called the silent treatment, is a destructive pattern that can corrode a marriage from within.
Experts identify this behaviour not as a benign pause, but as a form of emotional withdrawal that can inflict significant psychological distress and predict the end of a relationship.
National statistics on marital stability underline the scale of the challenge.
The Kenya National Bureau of Statistics’ 2024 Vital Statistics Report shows that 9.3 per cent of Kenyan women aged 15 to 49 were divorced or separated.
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Experts cite poor communication as a key factor in the breakdown of these unions.
Understand the silence
Understand the silence
In any relationship, partners may occasionally need a brief period to cool down after a disagreement.
However, when this silence becomes a prolonged and deliberate tactic, it shifts from a timeout to a form of passive-aggressive control.
Stonewalling, where one partner shuts down and refuses to engage during disagreements, is recognised by marital researchers as one of the four core behaviours most strongly linked to eventual divorce, the other three being criticism, contempt and defensiveness.
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and ceases to respond.
It is often a reaction to feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
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The stonewaller effectively builds a wall, leaving the other partner feeling rejected, unheard, and invisible.
Research shows that being ignored or excluded can activate the same areas of the brain that register physical pain, underlining the profound hurt this behaviour can cause.
The sustained use of silence chips away at the foundations of a marriage. Trust diminishes as assumptions and negative interpretations fill the void left in the absence of open dialogue.
This can lead to a toxic cycle where one partner’s demands to talk are met with further withdrawal, escalating the conflict and deepening the emotional chasm.
For the person on the receiving end, this can trigger intense anxiety, loneliness, and a decline in self-esteem.
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The legal and cultural landscape in Kenya
The context of a marriage in Kenya can inadvertently complicate matters.
The 2022 Kenya Demographic and Health Survey revealed that a minority of unions are formally documented.
Only 19.3 per cent of married women aged 15 to 49 had registered their marriage with civil authorities, and just 15.6 per cent possessed a marriage certificate.
In the many informal or 'come we stay' arrangements, couples may feel they have less standing to seek formal mediation or legal help.
A minority of unions are formally documented
Kenyan law does not automatically recognise 'come we stay' arrangements as formal marriages.
However, after a couple has cohabited for a long time, a court can step in and rule that a marriage is presumed to exist, which can grant certain legal rights and protections.
However, this is not guaranteed, and the ambiguity can leave partners in informal unions feeling powerless to address destructive patterns like the silent treatment, potentially prolonging the distress.
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Strategies for re-establishing communication
Breaking the cycle of silence requires a strategic and calm approach
Breaking the cycle of silence requires a strategic and calm approach, not an escalation of demands.
Experts recommend moving away from blame and focusing on creating a safe environment for dialogue.
One effective technique is the 'soft start-up,' where a conversation is initiated gently and without criticism.
Instead of saying, "You always ignore me," which is an attack, one could try an "I-statement" focused on personal feelings: "I feel lonely and unimportant when we go for days without speaking after a disagreement."
It is also crucial to recognise when a partner is emotionally flooded.
If a discussion becomes too heated, agreeing to take a break is healthy, but this must be done constructively.
The key is to schedule a specific time to return to the conversation.
This means one partner can ask for a temporary break to calm down, with the crucial step of setting a definite time to resume the conversation.
Agreeing to talk again later that day ensures the pause is a constructive timeout, preventing an indefinite, open-ended withdrawal.
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When professional help is needed
Seeking professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness
If these strategies fail to break the pattern, seeking professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
A qualified marriage counsellor can provide a neutral space for both partners to learn new, healthier communication tools tailored to their specific situation.
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Engaging a professional can help couples understand the root causes of the stonewalling and build the empathy needed to restore their emotional connection.
Ultimately, addressing radio silence is critical for the health and longevity of a marriage.
By understanding its destructive impact and proactively using proven communication techniques, couples can dismantle the walls between them and rebuild a partnership based on mutual respect and open dialogue.