The last time I kissed someone, Kibaki was president- struggles of a single woman in Nairobi

Kwani nilirogwa na nani?

Tale of being a single Lady in Nairobi

This Week on our Youth Mtaani segment we feature Tales of being a single Lady in the Capital City of Kenya (Nairobi). Is being single even a big deal? How long have you ever stayed without being in a relationship? Can you relate with single people in a universe full potentials? Worry no more, just seat back and enjoy the read.

Do you know what’s more painful than a freaking boil or the high cost of living in the country? Singlehood.

No one calls or texts to check up on you. No one calls you sweet names that will leave your heart melting. No one tells you silly stuff to make you giggle or laugh like a tickled baby. No one does anything. No one gives a damn about you. It’s like you don’t even exist.

When others wake up to “morning sunshine” or “morning pumpkin” texts, some of us wake up to; top up with 20 bob or more today and get 50% extra airtime, or dear customer we are unable to process your request blah blah blah. Every time I set my eyes on such texts, I get a severe pain on the right side of my chest. Like someone poking my heart with a knife and then twisting it around and around.

No one gives you tight hugs, forehead kisses or any kisses at all. No one even compliments you. If you ask me the last time someone called me beautiful—not that I’m somewhere close to that—but I’d probably take four days to give you an answer.

Do you know how scary it is to walk past a group of men and no one psssts you, says hi or even looks at you? I thought I had become a ghost. But if I were, I wouldn’t be paying bus fare. So I started questioning my sexuality. My greatest fear was confirmed when Kevo started calling me bro. An Adams apple had grown on my throat.

I have many questions to ask God, but all I have to say is, may his will be done. Hey guys, say hi to John Paul.

My cousin and I were watching a movie the other day, when one of the guys grabbed this lady and gave her one hell of a kiss. Si you know how they do it in the movies? I thought he would swallow her tongue. Just then, two huge drops of saliva trickled down my shirt.

“Are you okay?” Nelly asked.

“Yes I am. Just that I’ve forgotten how it feels like to be kissed. I don’t even know if I can kiss anymore. Are my lips still there?”

The last time I kissed someone was when Kibaki was president. That can also tell you the last time I got it.

People celebrate relationship and marriage anniversaries but a friend is celebrating a dry spell anniversary. Can we have a moment of silence for him? Thank you. Mine is somewhere around the corner.

Life moves very fast, but when you are single, it moves faster. Like a flash. You look away for a second, and a million things happen. Like it’s only yesterday when Emmy and I were single, only to wake up, and find her happily married and nine months pregnant. Seriously, when do all these things happen?

I have been single for the longest time and some people think something is wrong with me. They may be right. Others think I’m choosy. They could be right too. I’ve probably met the love of my life and told him to f*ck off or go suck an egg. Now, everyone seems to have that one special person. Others even have two or more. Your girl here has none. Zero, Zilch, Nada. Niko tu. Hakuna mtu ananikatiaa na hata hakuna mtu anashughulika.

I’ve been told I have an unapproachable face. I don’t know what the hell that even means but with my Adams apple, I’m ready to die single. God should give me a third eye now.

And if I haven’t suffered enough, Cate, a friend, will always talk about her ugly boyfriend eighty two times a day. “Mato said he’ll buy me this, Mato said he’ll take me there, Mato this, Mato that.” It bores me to death. Cate do you know what’s more boring than Stevo Simpleboy’s song ‘Vijana tuache mihadarati’? You.

I was walking in town the other day, when something strange happened.

A hawker said to me, “Msupa, si uko fine walai. We ni size yangu kabisa.” I blushed. I don’t know whether my cheeks turned pink, but I assume they did. Did he just call me a fine girl? I wanted to step out of my body and see myself from the outside or get into his eyes and see through them. Slowly, a smile spread across my face. He saw it. He got very excited. “Mrembo, sasa itakuaje? “He asked, following me. I laughed and told him that we would “talk” the following day since I use the same route. He said he would wait for me.

I walked off beaming like a light. That one compliment changed my mood, my face, my day and my walking style. I almost stepped into some big, red tomatoes when the mama shouted angrily “Kanyaga ndio ujue bei yakei!” Getting to the bus stop, Karis, the tout who always makes sure I get a seat asked, “Pauline, leo niaje umechangamka hivyo?” I told him what the hawker said. “Aki unakuanga mjinga sana. Hebu ingia kwa gari before urudi home na watoi.”

I’m still riding high on that compliment. I think it will take me through this month.

Every time I turn my head, I see a couple. They seem to be everywhere. I just saw one right now. They are always walking slowly, holding hands, kissing and all, as if they have all the time in the world. They can’t even pave way for you in the streets. They make me want to jump off the flyover in Ngara.

Do single people have a place in this society?

I was combing my hair yesterday when Maria told me that her boyfriend washes, combs and plaits her hair. I looked at her bewildered and asked, “Where can I get your boyfriend?”

With the cold nights, you can’t even talk to your friends at night because they are probably in the middle of something, oops someone. Me, I think I’ll probably freeze to death. If I do, just dump me in a river. My family shouldn’t bother with funeral expenses or feed any of you. Eating is the least you should do when someone is dead.

I miss having that one person to talk to. Someone to argue with, someone to send ‘have a nice life’ text to, someone to shout at, someone to annoy, someone to abujubuju me or someone to make me feel wanted.

Why am I lying though, if you try to abujubuju me, I’ll certainly kill you.

Sometimes I go to bed feeling sad and lonely then I remember an inspirational quote I saw. “If you are single and lonely, don’t feel worthless. You are the reason someone masturbates every night.”

You can keep-up with Pauline via the butterflystales.com to experience her stay in Nairobi

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