Divorcees reveal their 5 unconventional rules for a happy union

In a world where couple goals dominate social media, but divorces quietly multiply, two Kenyans who have navigated love, marriage, and heartbreak are offering a raw, unfiltered perspective on what truly sustains a relationship.

In the latest episode of The SNS Podcast, host Stephanie Ng’a ng’a sat down with Shiko Nyiha Ng’ang’a, an entrepreneur, and Victor Peace, a content creator, both of whom opened up about the lessons their failed marriages taught them and how they’ve redefined love, partnership, and healing.

Shiku was married for 7 years. It has been 5 years since her separation and divorce. On the other hand, Victor was together with his partner for 7 years, married for 4 years, and it has been 4 years since his divorce.

1. Love Doesn’t Complete You, It Meets You Where You Are

Both Shiko and Victor got married in their early 20s, a time they now agree was too young and too naive.

“I was looking for someone to complete me,” Shiko admitted. “I thought love was finding your missing half and living happily ever after.”

Victor echoed her thoughts, saying he entered marriage thinking it was a checklist item: get a house, car, wife, done.

“I was ticking boxes, not building understanding,” he said.

Now, both say the foundation of any lasting union is self-completion. 

“Relationships only work when two complete people come together,” Shiko explained. 

“You must be whole before joining with someone else.”

2. Therapy Isn’t a Crisis Tool. It’s a Mirror

Looking back, Shiko said one of her biggest regrets was avoiding therapy until it was too late. 

“At that time, therapy was for people with problems. You couldn’t say you were seeing a counsellor without being asked, ‘Are you okay?’”

She now credits self-work and therapy for helping her understand her anxious attachment style and unhealed childhood wounds. 

“We came into marriage as two wounded people,” she said. “If we’d both healed, maybe it would’ve turned out differently.”

Victor agreed, saying many couples mistake fixing their partner for love.

“I had a saviour complex,” he admitted. “But helping someone doesn’t mean you’re compatible.”

3. Endurance Shouldn’t Mean Suffering

While both guests acknowledge that marriage requires endurance, they reject the idea that love fixes everything.

“There’s a difference between enduring challenges and tolerating pain,” Victor said. “If both of you don’t keep choosing each other, it won’t work.”

Shiko added that “abuse is not just physical, it’s emotional, mental, even spiritual.” 

She believes modern self-love movements have helped many, especially women, recognise when it’s time to walk away. 

“Yes, some marriages can be salvaged,” she said, “but others require you to save yourself first.”

4. Partnership Over Performance

Both guests confessed that social media amplified the pressure to look happy rather than be happy.

Victor, who once ran a couple’s YouTube channel, described how creating highlight reels distorted their reality.

“We’d set up cameras, plan conversations, and smile for views,” he said. “But off-camera, we were strangers.”

He believes this “performance culture” breeds comparison and dissatisfaction. 

“Couples start chasing an illusion. Marriage shouldn’t be a PR campaign.”

5. Marriage Is Optional, Growth Isn’t

When asked if they would marry again, both Shiko and Victor paused.

“For me, marriage is not the goal,” Shiko said firmly. 

“The goal is to be met by a love that allows me to live authentically. That kind of love can come from a friend, a sibling, or even your community.”

Victor said he’s open to love, but only as a partnership, not a performance. “If it happens, it happens. But now, I see red flags early. Divorce sharpens your eye.”

Their advice for anyone preparing to marry?

“Ask yourself if you’re complete on your own,” Shiko advised. “Don’t chase fairy tales.”

Victor added, “Talk about your core values, not just your goals. And if you’re ignoring red flags now, they’ll become deal-breakers later.”

For a generation redefining love in the age of independence, therapy, and Instagram, the message from these two divorced Kenyans is simple but profound: Don’t marry for the picture. Marry for the partnership.

Because in the end, as Shiko puts it, marriage won’t save you. But the right kind of love, one rooted in growth and truth,  just might.