8 personalities of matatu touts you will encounter in Nairobi

From hiking fares when a drop of rain hits the ground to reckless driving and experiencing touts on steroids, here are the different types of touts you’ll encounter in the city.

The one who won’t give back your change

God knows the amount of anxiety you get when the tout delays your change. You can never think about anything else other than your money. And for some reason, they always seem to have change for everyone else but you. These situations always force you to be a low-key CIA agent, because once you let them out of your sight, that’s how they disappear with your money.

The noisy one

These ones always have something to talk about. They’ll talk about politics, the high cost of living, and anything else that comes up. Instead of having conversations among themselves, they’ll involve the whole matatu. Most times, they’ll speak in vernacular, so other people don’t hear what they are talking about. They can be pretty annoying, especially if you are tired and you just want some silence. They always appear bossy, taking up more space than they should be.

The dirty one

They always have smelly breath and armpits it’s like they are never aware of soap and water. For some reason, they always seem to keep talking or passing their armpits over you whilst collecting bus fare. Their breath usually smells of alcohol or worse, miraa. And should they talk to you and then spit on you, that’s it. You’ll need cleansing.

The fisi

Some touts have very smooth lines. They’ll hit on you by calling you kamum, mrembo, or telling you wewe ni size yangu. If you are looking for any kind of praise, these are your guys, especially the ones with Nganya. They are always friendly, close, as if you’ve known each other for a long time. They’ll ask which route you use so they can always pick you up. And of course, this is how they get your number. With their wit, sarcasm, and humor, you can easily fall for them.

The kind one

They are heaven-sent. They are so good, they’ll talk to you nicely, and even help you carry your luggage. They’ll treat you with so much respect that you’ll feel good about yourself. They always remind you which stage to alight on if you are not sure where you are going. And in case they have your change, they'll always remember to give it back. You can always count on them.

The deaf one

They never hear anything you tell them. You’ll tell them you are alighting at a certain stage, and they’ll intentionally pass it, despite reminding them a couple of times. They always seem to have better things to do and work is the least of their concern. They always wait for the smallest of mistakes to cause a huge scene and make sure they attract the attention of the other passengers.

The thief

They are always ready to take away anything from you when you let down your guard. They’ll . They’ll steal phones, wallets, and other things they can lay their hands on. They always wait when there’s a bit of commotion or congestion to make their move. If you forget your change, they won’t bother giving it back to you.

The disrespectful one

They are rude and always seem to get into an argument with everyone. They abuse passengers, harass them or increase fares when unnecessary. You wouldn’t want to meet them on a bad day because they’ll just make everything worse.