The worst people to take to bed
However, there are some people who seem hell bent on just ruining it.
Also read: Signs that you are bad in bed
Here are the worst kinds of partners you would ever have the misfortune of bedding
The jack rabbit
This kind of man likes to use the machine gun hammer technique. They like to go in and pump like they’re trying to break a record for most humps per second. The problem with this kind of performance is that it misses the spots and could even lead to injury. Ouch.
These ones are absolutely detested. They just lie there and expect you to do all the work. They are lazy, unimaginative and want you to get the job done as soon as possible.
The porn star wannabe
They think sex is a talent show that’s going to be judged by a panel of sexperts. They exaggerate every reaction and have dirty talk that would make Fifty Shades look like a masterpiece. They make you uncomfortable and their cringe-worthy acting is one that would never ever lead to a happy ending.
A curious toddler would put these ones to shame. It’s like they studied a good cop interrogations handbook to study for their pillow talk exam.
“Is this ok?”
“What about this?”
“Am I doing this right?”
Sometimes sex just shouldn’t be a Q&A session.
They think sex is a John Wayne cowboy movie. They want to hear the bed creak and the head board banging against the wall. Forget love making. This is bruise inducing. There is a time and place for sex that involves banging against doors or being bent over a couch but these ones completely miss the mark for sensual wall banging and go straight into animal territory. Actually bonobos have better game than them.
The fetish weirdo
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a fetish. But there is a whole lot that is wrong with overdoing it. Especially the ones that aren’t mutual. However, you’ll find that weird partner with a foot fetish and always wants to bite your toes every single time before getting to the good stuff. I mean, come on.
Some people find it understandable to fake. But faking is a disservice to you and your partner. Some partners fake reactions, expertise and even go as far as faking orgasms. There are physical signs to climaxing. Acting like you just had one isn’t just bad, it’s heart breaking.
Hygiene is especially important down there. Genitalia always come with their tell-tale musks that scientists have determined are actually designed to make your partner more sexually aroused. (Actually, I don’t know. I made that up)
But some partners either don’t know how to clean up or their idea of a clean-up was lost on them. They smell horrid and look unnatural.
Others in this category don’t understand that while spunk is an inevitable occurrence, they think it’s some kind of mandatory process to spread those fluids around. Like a man who performs cunning linguistics with the gusto of a pig then proceeds to heave his wet face at his partner. Subtly dab your face clean before any more action partner. Or aim only to get a fine lip gloss.